Mr. Giggles

Okay, so I forgot that he needs notebooks, pens & pencils.  So back out we went today to finish up the back to school shopping.  I’ve only had to do this BTS a couple of times so give me a break.  Hopefully, I have not forgotten anything else…

You’re probably wondering about the picture… Like I say, the boy cracks me up and always had.  Matt’s always had an exceptionally witty sense of humor and he cracked his mother up more than anyone.  Very rarely did a family dinner go by with Matt doing or saying something that would make the whole family laugh.  I can still hear his mother laughing.  She had a wonderful laugh that came from somewhere deep within her.  It’s one of the things that I miss most about her.  Anyhow, last night was no exception and Matt was up to his usual antics.

The two of us were quietly sitting there having dinner.  It was nothing much, just some hotdogs, potato salad, fruit and chips.  I was zoned out and staring off into space.  I was thinking about something and was not even aware of what was happening around me.  All of a sudden I heard Matt giggle.  It was a muffled giggle, however.  It was strange enough to knock me out of my trance and get my attention.  When I looked up, this is what I saw.  Yes, those are grapes!  Nineteen of them to be exact!  There’s never a dull moment with Little Brother at the table.

The boys club gets busted up tonight.  Baby girl will be home from camp tonight.  She’s finished her job up at 4-H camp and is on her way home right now.  It’s been a solid year since we have had her at home on a fulltime basis.  I’ve enjoyed it being just the boys but am happy to have her home.  Yes, it will take a bit of getting used to having her here but we love her and will make it work.

Redneck Shopping

For me, shopping is probably one of the least desirable parts of being a single parent dad.  It’s a rare occasion when I enjoy shopping but I did yesterday. 

Little Brother has been pestering the tar out of me to take him over to Atlanta and visit the Bass Pro Shop.  So, I finally took a day off and we spent it shopping together.  The boy needed some new shoes, shorts and shirts anyhow.  The Bass Pro Shop is not far from the Mall of Georgia.  I decided we could kill two birds with one stone.  Since he likes clothes shopping about half as much as I do, I figured a promise to follow up clothes shopping with a visit to Bass Pro would work in my favor.  The kid will spend six hours shopping for rods, reels and lures but after thirty minuets or so looking for shoes or other clothing related items, he’s toast.

Considering the fact he wont even think about putting on a pair of jeans until almost December, new shorts are the order of the day when back-to-school shopping for Matt.  Things went pretty well with our trip to the mall.  We successfully acquired several pairs of shorts and the shoes he needed.  After a few hours I could see I was loosing him so we hit the food court for a quick bite and then made the short drive over to the Bass Pro Shop. 

The place sells everything from bait to luggage so I decided to see if I could persuade him to try on some shirts while he was there.  I also agreed to let him roam a bit on his own while I looked around for a few things for myself.  I gave him about thirty minutes and then went looking for him.  Surprisingly, when I found him, he had an armful of tee shirts and a couple of ball caps.  Other than one of them being the wrong size, he did pretty well.  So with that accomplished I released him to head over to the fishing gear.  While he salivated over fishing gear with glazed eyes, I found a bench and made a couple of phone calls.

On the ride back home we both agreed that the trip had been a successful one.  Matt said he was glad that we were able to get his back-to-school shopping out of the way.  However, he said, “you know you might be a redneck if you do your back-to-school shopping at the Bass Pro Shop!”  With a chuckle, I agreed…

Brave Heart

Matt is home!!  

He made the seven hour trip back this morning and got home this afternoon.  He only had to stop and call me once due to being frustrated that his GPS was not taking him on the route he wanted.  I got him back on track with a quick visit to the MapQuest site.  Still, he was not very happy with his little GPS unit.  My nerves are a bit tattered due to undue worry but all is well.  It was difficult concentrating on work today knowing he was on the road by himself.  Like I tell the kids, I don’t worry about them, I worry about the other idiots on the road.  He was very proud of his accomplishment but was tired and happy to be home. 

In my life without Lisa, I still find it hard to let go and allow the kids to fly on their own.  This was one of those things that but I’m glad that I let him do it.  I still remember the first time I drove on an interstate.  I had to drive through Atlanta.  I held on to the steering wheel so hard that my knuckles were white and my hands were slick with sweat.  It was very unnerving and stressful.  I think he will always remember this drive, on this trip over this summer for a long time to come.

I gain a level of comfort knowing the kids are growing, maturing and developing the way she would have wanted them to.  Things are flying by so fast these days!  It’s hard to believe that Matt only has two years left in high school.  It seems like just yesterday he was still in middle school trying to stomach walking by his moms classroom knowing she was no longer there.  I still don’t know how he did it…  He's the bravest young man I know!

20

It’s been a while since I have written anything for this venue.  I have been doing more private journaling and find it to be more helpful at times since I can write anything in my private journal.  There’s much that I don’t share here and probably never will.  So I keep some things locked away in my journal.  After all, believe it or not, I am actually a fairly private person…

Both the kids have been gone for the last couple of weeks and I have been, for the most part, alone with just the dogs.  Of course, with Anna (my big Bernie’s) spending almost every waking hour rolling around under the deck, it’s really just me and Ally (Lisa’s little Yorkshire).  Except for dinner with a few close friends it’s been pretty quiet.  I have grown to appreciate the quiet and actually look forward to it now.  That’s a far cry from where I was two years ago!

Someone asked me earlier this week if I still miss Lisa.  My answer was yes, without a doubt I still miss her.  However, I no longer am deeply and painfully grieving.  I think that I have just recently move to the point that I just miss her very much rather than mourn her loss. The days of going to sleep and waking up with her constantly on my mind are less frequent now.  Seldom do I have tear filled days with that raw emotion that welled up from deep inside me.  Yes I still think about her more than you might imagine but not constantly day in and day out.  So, yes I still miss her and probably always will.

Matt will be driving himself back from Jacksonville tomorrow.  He did a great job following me down last weekend so I am confident that he will find his way home without incident.  I’m actually surprised that he has not called to ask if he can stay another week.  After all, where would you rather spend a week of your summer vacation?  Watkinsville or Jacksonville?  Hopefully her will roll out of the bed before noon since it’s a six hour drive. 

I no longer have two teenagers since yesterday was Abby’s 20^th birthday.  We had a good weekend together and had some good talks.  I can see her changing before my eyes.  Trying hard to be an adult and move beyond childish ways.  It’s been good having her come home from camp on the weekends.  It’s giving us a chance to get used to her being back at home a little each week.  She will be home full time in just another couple of weeks.  I suppose we’ll see how that goes.  Matt and I will need a little time to get used to having her home and I’m sure she will need a bit of time getting used to being here her self.  

In The Fast Lane

In my life without Lisa, a few things have not changed. 

When it was time to teach the kids how to drive I assumed the responsibility.  Lisa started out taking charge of it with Abby.  However, it quickly fell back in my lap.  Lisa just didn’t have the patients for it and they both usually wound up at the house in tears.  Of course, I didn’t have a choice when it was Matt’s turn.  When it was time for Matt to start driving I was on my own and I needed to get Matt driving so that we didn’t need to depend on others to transport him.

Thankfully, Matt took to diving a lot faster than Abby did.  I tend to think it’s just a boy thing.  Of course, all the riding he had done on motorcycles and tractors probably gave him a bit of a leg up also.

Since we live in a very small town, our kids tend to learn how to drive in very non- congested areas.  They don’t get much in the way of challenges when they start driving.  For the most part, they drive on roads with a 45 mph speed limit.  The biggest challenge they tend to face is passing a tractor while on the way home from school.  If things are really tuff they might need to negotiate a four-way stop at the same time as another driver.  The only problem with this is when the kids want to hit the interstate and drive down to the beach for the first time or run over to Atlanta on their own.  It tends to freak you out a bit since you know they are not nearly as good a driver as they think they are. 

This weekend I allowed Matt to try driving on the interstate.  He wants to drive to my brother’s place in Jacksonville this summer.  So, I thought it was prudent that I not let him do it on his own until I had supervised his ability myself.  With that in mind, this weekend we went to Jacksonville for a couple days.  Matt drove most of the way and did just fine.  In fact considering my constant nagging and criticism he did pretty a great job.

Another hurdle crosses successfully!

Stuff Happens

What a day, oh what a day.

It’s funny how things work… You get up expecting your day to go a certain way.  You expect to do certain things and get certain things accomplished.  You have a plan and you think it’s a good one.  Then out of the blue, something comes along and totally changes all those plans and objectives.  Yesterday was one of those days.

I of all people should know better by now.  I should know better than to make plans and not keep in mind that there is a higher power at work.  One that has His own plan with objectives that we know nothing about.  A more important plan that revolves around a lot more than us as individuals.  A plan that defines and shapes more that what we can wrap our tiny heads around and understand.

I continue to try to remember this and not let it get to me.  I try not to let changes to my little slice of life upset me.  I’m not very good at it but I try.  I continue to do the only thing I know to do when God’s plan supersedes my plan.  I take deep breathes and tell myself that he’s got control and I’m am, for the most part, just a passenger.  After all, the things that I normally have in mind are really not that important when you think about it.  I mean really, how important is cutting grass, doing laundry, reading a book or changing your oil?  In the scheme of things, not important at all.

So why get worked up?  Well, I suppose it’s just human nature.  Okay, maybe just my nature.  Today the sun is up and He has granted me another day.  I again find myself thankful and in awe. 

Today, I WILL remember... 

Today, I WILL remember that He will not give me more than I can handle.  

Today, I WILL remember what is important and what is not. 

Today, I WILL remember to breathe easy and remain calm.

Today, I WILL remember that there might be a bump in the road but that’s okay.

Yesterday?  Well yesterday Matt came home from camp.  I had not heard a word from him all week.  I have grown to expect that however.  I suppose it’s just a boy thing.  Anyhow, he got home in one piece but not without a broken ankle.  Yes a fractured ankle. 

He was limping pretty badly when he got out of the truck.  I asked him what was wrong.  He said that he had sprained his ankle pretty badly.  One look at it and I knew that it was more than a sprain.  The doctor confirmed my suspicions. He said that it was clearly fractured but should heal just fine as long as Matt takes it easy on the ankle for the next four to six weeks.  The doctor said there was no need to cast it but he does want him to wear one of those big black immobilization boots for the next six weeks or so.  I am thankful it was not worse and Matt does not seem to be in much pain or discomfort.  Hopefully it will heal just fine and there is not a visit to an orthopedic surgeon in our future.

Now, what’s the plan for today?

Summer Break

We have our first week of summer break behind us and it was a pretty good week.  I like the fact that I can lean on Matt a little bit.  Since he is just looking for excuses to drive that new red truck, I have no trouble convincing him to run a few errands for me during the week.  He stayed pretty busy all week and I didn’t sit at work worried about keeping him busy or what he might be doing.  It’s hard to believe he has been driving for a solid year now.  Last summer I would hardly let him drive into town on his own.  Now, I am considering allowing him to make the seven-hour drive to my brothers’ place in Jacksonville.  How things change…

Lisa’s mom and dad came over Friday night to take Matt out for a birthday dinner.  It was perfect in that Abby was able to come home for the weekend and also go with us.  I can’t remember the last time all four of us were able to spend some time together.  We had a great time…  The kids were in rare form and we laughed through most of dinner.  I have often sat through meals with my kids and in-laws desperately missing Lisa and wishing she were there with us.  That was not the case Friday night.  Friday night, I was simply living in the moment with four wonderful people that I love and adore.

Matt takes off for a week at FFA camp tomorrow and Abby took off yesterday.  I will be alone for a solid week.  Last summer, I was horrified at being alone for a week.  I would scramble around trying to find someone to eat dinner with just so I would not be forced to spend an evening alone.  That is not the case this year.  I have learned to be more comfortable with being alone and on my own.  I have learned to enjoy the freedom that it brings me.  Heck yeah, I’ll miss the kids but I don’t think that I will struggle with the solitude as I have in the past.

To quote a friend, “Time passing equals time healing”…  How true that continues to be…

TMI

Holy cow, that conversation got way too personal way too fast.

It all started with a simple hello...

We took Abby to her new camp assignment Sunday afternoon.  It was the first day for all the camp counselors to come together and all the parents and family were invited to attend the dinner.  These things are always awkward for us since inevitably some goof will ask me which of the other ladies in the room is my wife.

We were trying to mingle and meet some of the folks when Abby introduced Matt and me to one of the ladies that run the camp.  The lady, acknowledge both Matt and me and then dropped the bomb on Abby.  “So is your mother here?” she asked…  Abby was a trouper however and quickly beat me to the draw.  I normally try to be on guard for that sort of thing and field those questions for the kids when I can.  Abby was on her “A” game at the time and beat me to it.  It was a good thing since I was in a witty mood and was about to reply, if she is – we are all in for one hell of a big surprise.  Abby just said “no my momma died three years ago in an accident”.  I could tell by the way she was wringing her hands she was not comfortable.  The woman quickly responded that she had just lost her fiancé a few months ago.

I not sure what prompts people to do that…  Like it’s going to make us feel any better knowing that they have suffered a loss also…?  And Abby lost her MOM not some boyfriend.  It was her mother for Pete-sake not someone she had know a few months or a year.  Her MOM, the woman that gave birth to her and loved her for 17 years.  The most important person in the her world…

She then tried to tell us how sorry she was for our loss.  I tried to graciously tell her that it was fine and we were okay and move the conversation along.  But no… She just continued to babble on about it.  Thankfully, it was just about that time we gave the blessing and got in line for dinner.  The kids and me made a dash for the line.  And heck, nothing says loving like fried chicken, green beans and mashed potatoes.

So the kids filled their plates and I grabbed a glass of tea.  I looked for the open bar but then remembered we were at a 4-H function.  As we sat down to the banquet table I looked up to see this nice lady had decided to join us.  They really should consider an open bar at these functions.  That or I’m going to need to start packing a flask.  I suppose she didn’t think that she had jostled us enough or ruffled our feathers quite enough.  That’s when she took over the conversation and began to tell us her life story.

Married twenty years then divorced… engaged to a wonderful guy who died before he could marry her… ex-husband sold his company to a major corporation for a what sounded like a whole lot of money… no longer needs to work and just travels… two kids 18 and 27… blaa blaa blaa blaa…

The kids and I continued to be cordial and tried to appear interested in her conversation.  It was finally time to leave so Matt and I gave Abby a big hug and wished her luck.  I no sooner heard the door close behind us when Matt grabbed me by the arm, looked me dead in the eye and said… Holy cow, that conversation got way to personal way too fast. 

All I could do was laugh… That boy cracks me up…

New Wheels For Baby Bear

Sometimes I look at others that are on this path.  Others that have suffered great loss and experienced what seems to be equal if not greater pain than myself.  I see them making great strides.  I seem them finding new love and reinventing themselves.  I see them moving forward, growing and overcoming.  Then I look within at myself.

I see how far I have come and how much better I feel.  While I am thankful for all the progress that I have made, I’m not satisfied.  I want more.  I want to get back to that point where I feel like my life is satisfying.  I’m not satisfied with just not feeling miserable.  I’m not satisfied with just getting by.  I want more than that.  

It seems, however, that from time to time I hit a wall and don’t see any progress.  I feel as though I have been at one of those walls for a while now. This is not the first wall that I have run into. I know it will pass.  So, I keep faith and keep breathing.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time.  The wall will crumble but I will not. 

Yesterday we picked up Matt’s new wheels.  He’s been driving the “granny car” for the past year.  The gold1998 Toyota Camry that his big sister cut her teeth on was a good starter car.  That old car has been banged around and beat up pretty well.  I promised him a year ago that we would find him something better once he had been driving for a while.  This week we found him a great little pickup truck just in time for his 17^th birthday.  He’s thrilled and grateful and when we got it home last night he must have just sat there in it for over an hour.

Tonight he’s hosting his annual birthday bash in the barn.  They are out there right now acting like idiots and playing video games.  They are well supplied with plenty of pizzas, sodas and snack cakes.  I’m just waiting to see who pukes first.

Mothers' Day 2010

Mothers’ day…

It’s just another one of those holidays that reminds us of it all.

I was not sure what we were going to do this weekend.  I think all in all, the kids prefer the, don’t think about it and it will pass soon approach.  I can’t say that I blame them, as it tends to be a pretty safe means of approach.  The holiday had been gnawing at me, however.  There was something inside me telling me that I needed to do better than that.  I always go with my gut when I am in doubt.  So, I came up with a plan.

I decided rather than work like crazy all weekend I would try to hit a balance.  My plan was simple.  On Friday I was going to have breakfast with Matt and then run a few errands with Abby.  Then spend the rest of the day cutting grass and the pastures.  Then on Saturday I was going to spray the pastures for weeds and fertilize.  I figured that would take a good chunk of the day and then I would have an early dinner with the kids.  Then on Sunday we would skip church have a good breakfast and then go out to the botanical gardens for a long hike.  Lisa just loved going for a good hike and we spent many a weekend doing just that.  I figured that Abby and I could spend the rest of the weekend working on her bathroom.  She’s been bugging the tar out of me to tear down the wallpaper and paint.

It didn’t quite work out as I planned.  I was out mowing the pasture when I saw Abby pull up to the house.  What got my attention was the fact that she backed up to the house rather than just pull in as normal.  Then she got out of her truck and started toward me.  I naturally headed her way.  As I got closer I noticed the look on her face.  It was that look that I have gotten familiar with over the last few years.  It was that, if you say the wrong thing I am going to implode look.  So I pulled up and with a big smile said “hey whatcha doing”?  Her eyes got big and tear filled and she simply said, “I just want to come home”.

I immediately knew she had made up her mind and she was coming home this weekend.  We had originally planned to move her home next weekend after we had finished her bathroom. I got her settled down and told her that we could make it happen. So we quickly came up with a new plan.  Friday night she started on her bathroom.  We got up early Saturday and took a trailer and truck full of things to Lisa’s folks for storage in the basement.  We spent the rest of the day and evening finishing up the bathroom.  We spent Sunday moving her to the house and finishing up.

By Sunday night I was toast.  Tired to the bone but happy to have her home.  We were so busy I think all three of us basically forgot that it was Mother’s day.  I did remember it long enough to give my own Mother a call some time that afternoon.

We never did get to go on the hike I planned but we were all together and basically at peace for the day.