The Dude Gene

Time and time again, when I talk to another person who has lost a spouse I find that we have an immediate connection. We understand each other. It’s almost like we are part of some morbid club. As my friend Janine says, we get each other. And, I like communicating with these people because I don’t feel the need to defend myself on some things or for that matter even explain some things. We are kindred spirits and can relate on a different plane than with others.


Mostly, for that reason, I tend to go out of my way to communicate with other Widowers or Widows. The puzzling thing for me is that from the very start of all this, I have found very few Widowers. I’m not just talking about bloggers either. I mean that I don’t even see them in my community. Take our church for example. While we have a number of Widows, I am the only Widower as far as I know. Looking at my community as a whole, I can see even more Widows but still only know of a couple other Widowers. Additionally, most of these Widowers have already remarried.

There are some out there. Some really great guys that are struggling through it all and doing an amazing job. Look here Matt Logelin and look here Socrates Newbold. Like I said amazing…

Anyhow, so what gives…?

I can understand that there are very few men writing about this in a blog. I totally get that. Most men, and I think being one gives me permission to make some assumptions here, tend to not be that open and willing to talk about affairs of this sort. I think most guys are too “manly” to talk about their feelings. Especially in this sort of venue. So sure, I can understand them not being here on the internet spilling their guts. That still doesn’t explain why I don’t see them around me here in my church or community.

My friend Cindy has a theory. She theorizes that we guys are in need and tend to remarry much faster than women do. She thinks that these guys need someone to take care of them. She sees guys get re-married as fast as six months. Cindy thinks that I’m an exception. Why am I and a few others like me the exception? Are we missing some vital “dude” gene that drives these other guys to get remarried so fast.

Maybe Cindy is correct…

Regardless, I do wonder where all the widowers are.

Tree Time

Thanksgiving was the first holiday that we had to endure after we lost Lisa that September.

I was still in shock and lost.  Grappling with a mountain of anxiety and fear, the last thing I needed was the stress of the holidays.

I decided that we needed to get away.  I may have been running away but it was the only way I could deal with the holiday.  I didn’t want to stay home or go to her folks or my folks place.  I needed somewhere I could hide.  I needed somewhere new with no memories.  My Brother was headed to Savannah to his In-Laws and secured us an invitation to join them.

The drive to Savannah was horrible and I literally almost had a nervous breakdown in the process.  Taking our first family trip to an unfamiliar place on unfamiliar roads was just about enough to push me over the edge.  Just about the time I was about to fall apart we made it.

And that’s kind of how things have gone over the last three years.  Just about time I don’t think I’m going to make it, I do…

I wouldn’t say that the holidays have gotten any better but I will admit that they have gotten a little easier.  I still loath holidays but I do find the fortitude to endure them a bit more. 

That first year we were in Savannah and last year we stayed home but spent the day with some very dear friends.  This year we spent Thanksgiving with my folks in Alabama or as the kids like to call it “opossum hollow”.  While I love my family, these get-togethers still drag me down.  I tend to feel like an oddity and a third wheel when we all get together.

We’re back home today and there’s work to be done.  Matt and I will head out this morning to find a tree.  I think this year I’m going to let Matt run the chain saw.  As for me, I’m going to put a smile on my face and try to hide the fact that I’d rather burn the tree than decorate it… 

No Distractions

Something really nice finally happened this week.

After all the bad news over the last couple of weeks and seeing friends and families struggle through so much, it was nice to just have a little something special happen.

It actually didn’t start off so special considering it all started with me having a meltdown with the kids last night.  I suppose I just got a bit stressed out and finally let a few things fly.  As typical with me, I went a tiny bit too far.  Okay maybe more than just a tiny bit but it’s my blog so I get to choose the adjectives.

Anyhow, what started off in a negative manner wound up with me and the kids having one of those moments that you just want bottle up and save.  After my little explosion we gathered in the living room and I made my apologies.  Then for almost an hour we just sat there talking.  No television, no cell phones or laptops or I-Pods.  It was just the three of us sitting there talking and laughing.

We just sat there talking about everything from the events of the last week to what to do for the holidays.  Of course in typical fashion Matt kept us cracked up most of the time with wise cracks and jokes.

I wish we could do that more often.  We all get so wound up living life and running in different directions it seems like we never take enough time to just be together.

All I know is it struck me how wonderful those few minutes were.  And it just happened…

Yeah, we still miss Mom something awful and always will.  However, we still keep plugging away and its moments like the one we had last night that give me confidence that it’s going to be alright.

Speechless

Writing has been a valued and cathartic exercise for me over the past few years.  Writhing in my journal or here on my blog.  It’s proven to be a dependable exercise that can help me think thing through and get things out so I don’t simply implode under an unseen weight. 

It’s not often that I don’t know what to say when I sit down to write but that’s been the case over the last few days.

You see, a parents worst nightmare came to true this past Friday when they received a call much like the one I received three years ago.  The call was to let them know that their beloved son had been in an accident and not survived.

And here I sit frozen… I know not what to say or do…

I want to reach out to them.  I want to comfort them.  I want to help them in some way but I cant. 

I couldn’t even bring myself to attend the funeral and I feel just horrible.  I suppose for the most part due to the fact that it was held in our church.  In the very sanctuary that we held Lisa’s memorial service.  I suppose I could find many more excuses but when I search my heart the bottom line is I just couldn’t do it.

I feel so very inadequate and struggle with the senseless loss.  All I seem to be able to mutter is why.  Why.  Why.  Why…

Although even as my old wound is opened and pains me I can’t help but think about what this family is dealing with.  I can’t help but think about how much they must be hurting and reeling from this devastating news.  They have such a long and arduous road ahead.

It’s just so sad…

Nine Hammers

Death seems to be all around me this past week or two.

Last week I received news that one of our employees had died suddenly.  Johnny had worked for us for over 17 years and was a great employee.  Moreover, he was a great guy.  Just a decent man that rarely complained or spoke ill of anyone.  He was the kind of guy you just like to spend time around.  Quiet and unassuming even though he was well over six foot and could be an ominous presents.  Johnny was also one of those guys that had to be dragged to the doctor kicking and screaming.  Unfortunately, Johnny had lung cancer and didn’t even know it.  He got this news just a week before his lungs filled with fluid and his body gave up.  I got this news via a text message while I was actually at another funeral.  The father of another employee had died just as suddenly from heart failure.  Two funerals in less than a week…

Now I get word that the father of a dear friend is about to lose his battle with a failing body.  Possibly days or just hours from now he will quietly end his life of 80 years and leave behind a grieving family.

My heart breaks for the ones that are and will be left behind.  I wish to comfort them but know from my own experience that no matter what I say, it will not help them.  Meer words just have no volume at times like this.  In fact words are so insufficient at times like these I tend to just shut down and not say anything.  Instead I prefer to just have a physical presence and be prepared to act when called on.  I prefer to speak with my actions and offer a silent hug of reassurance.  I prefer this over saying anything that will tend to do no good or worse cause unintended offence.

I continue to become more pragmatic on the subject of death.  After all, it’s inevitably something that will happen to all of us sooner or later.  Eventually each and every one of use will go.  Some too soon and some not soon enough.  Some of us will have far too short a time here and some of us will have more than our share of time here.  Some of us will go due to what may seem a tragic and unfair reason and some of us will go due simply to the passing of time and natural reasons.  Still, no matter why or when, I consider them to be the lucky ones.  Because, while my heart breaks for those left behind, they will soon be in a better place joining loved ones that have already move on to be with the Father.

As I prepare myself for this imminent funeral I can’t help but think about how long the road of grief has been for me.  My prayer is that this family will quickly recover and remember with great affection their loved one.

Tonight I spent a quiet evening putting my tools away.  It’s rare that I listen to music in my shop since most of the time it is drowned out by the noise.  Tonight I did and spent the night listening to Duffy and emptying boxes.  My tools are all organized and now readily available.  Now I’m just trying to figure out why a guy needs 9 hammers.  Heck, I never even realized I had 9… 

FFA Road Trip

I continue to see progress in how things affect me or better how they don’t.  Only about a year ago I would have simply dreaded the thought of being alone for a week.  Now I actually tend to look forward to it a bit.  Matt takes off for a weeklong trip next week and I’m actually looking forward to the alone time.

He hits the road early Tuesday morning on a trip to Indianapolis, Indiana for the national FFA convention.  He’s really been looking forward to the trip for a long time.  He wanted to go last year but there just wasn’t enough room on the bus.  This year he had a reserved spot since he is an officer for his schools chapter.

I even put together a “goodie bag” for him and his buddy William.  After all, William is like a second son to me.  The bags are full of candy bars, chips, small games and toys.  I particularly liked the Spider Man swim goggles that I gave then both.  I’m not sure what good they will be but I tend to think they will get a laugh or two out of them.

Well, I finally finished those shop cabinets.  It’s only taken me ten months but they are finished.  While I’m a purist and wanted to make my own drawer pulls I decided to use some store bough ones.  I have 25 drawers and just happened to have 24 antique brass drawer pulls.  Don’t ask me why I had them but I did.  I think I bought them some time back when they were on sale at Lowes.  I’m only one short and figure I can find a matching one somewhere.  Maybe some time in the future I will take the time to make some myself.  However, for now I can put this project behind me and move on to the next phase of finishing out the shop.

Right now I think I’ll just fill up all those great drawers and finally get all my tools organized and put away.  It’ll be nice not to have to dig through boxes for my tools.  With all those drawers I’ll probably never remember where I put anything!

Road Trip

I took my very first overnight trip alone this weekend.  No kids, no dogs, no friends, just me alone on a weekend getaway. 

 

Abby had a full weekend of plans (as usual) and Matt was off attending an FFA event in Perry.  So it was perfect timing for a weekend to myself.  I took off for a one night stay in Augusta with some long time friends.  I found the trip to be somewhat bitter-sweet. It was great to take off and have some alone time but the solitude of the drive made me miss my sweetheart.  As I zipped along I-20 I could not help but think she should be there with me.  That’s the way it should have been, the two of us together on a weekend getaway.  While I longed for her company I plowed ahead non-the-less.  I suppose I just took comfort in knowing that she would be happy to see me doing something for myself.  I even imagined her smiling in approval of my little adventure.  Lisa always loved a spur of the moment weekend getaway.  I’m think I’m going to have to do that more often…

 

Sure, I have a thousand and one things that I need or want to do around the house but it sure was nice to just take the weekend off and relax.  It was very peaceful just having myself to worry about.  Heck, even packing was delight since everything that I needed was able to fit into one small bag.  I almost didn’t know how to act not having a slew of bags to lug out to the truck when I left.

 

We have a new addition down at the barn as you can see in the attached picture.  Her name is Pancake.  Matt decided that he would “show” a dairy cow this year.  I was a bit apprehensive about him taking on this new responsibility but it has been a great thing for him.  I was certain that I would be the one that would wind up feeding and caring for her.  Matt has been doing a great job with her however.  He has not missed a feeding and seems to enjoy the new responsibility.  He just about has her off the bottle and on solid food and has already started the process of halter breaking her.  She has a sweet disposition and tends to be quite playful.  I just hope Matt still enjoys his responsibility when the weather turns cold and nasty.  Walking down to the barn as the sun is coming up on a nippy October morning is a good bit different than doing the same on pitch black, cold and rainy February morning.

 

I am slowly making progress on my cabinet drawer fronts.  I finally decided to go with a glued up panel for those big oversized drawer fronts that I still needed to make up.  In fact I have gotten the remaining panels made and already have about six very thin coats of shellac on them all.  The wood has turned from a pale off-white to a rich amber color that highlights the grain and knots.  All I have left to do is give them a light sanding and one coat of varnish.  Once I get them finished I will try to post a before and after for you.  Oh yeah, and I still need to make pulls for them I suppose.  After all, drawers are not much good if you can’t get them open.

20 of 25

This past Sunday was the three-year mark and today would have been our 22nd wedding anniversary.  It makes me sad to think about it too much so I will not dwell.

While some might think that 3 years is a long time and maybe enough time… it is not.  It still seems like yesterday and we are still working to overcome our loss. 

We continue to deal with emotional swings that seem to come out of nowhere.  They seem to creep out of the shadows when we least expect them.  We try not to let it control us and we try not to let the calendar dictate how we feel but September continues to be a burdensome month.   I felt strong coming into the month but September has reared its ugly head and is trying mightily to defeat me.  I WILL NOT let it win…  I continue to remain optimistic in that each September’s passing seems to be a bit less cruel than the last one.  I think more than anything, if I could just come to a point where I thought that BOTH the kids were coping well and just not struggling I would be a pretty content human being.  Sometimes I feel like I am driving a car that constantly has a flat tire on one of the four wheels.  You stop and get one flat fixed only to drive a couple of miles to have yet another flat tire.  I suppose as long as I keep my spare in good shape, we will be fine and continue our journey.

I’ve spent as much time as I could in my shop the last couple of weeks.  I enjoy the work and it’s a good diversion and good therapy for me.  The weather has been awesome and I have enjoyed being able to throw open the doors and windows and make as much saw dust as I could.  It’s been profitable time spent.  I finally have a counter top!  Twenty feet of counter top! 

I have also installed 20 of the 25 drawer fronts.  I have been milling the drawer fronts out of some Leyland Cypress.  The wood came from a farm just down the road from my place.  I have a buddy that took out a bunch of Leyland Cypress trees about four years ago.  We had a guy saw all the trees into lumber.  The wood has dried nicely and when milled looks something like a cross between spruce and pine.  It’s a little bit pale and knotty but I like the character that the knots add to the wood. 

I’m going to put an “old school” finish on it.  No stain, just a few coats of shellac.  Most folks don’t use shellac these days.  It takes a bit more effort and tends to darken over time.  In this case however, I think the shellac will bring a warm amber color to the otherwise pale white coloring of the wood.  It will enhance the knotty grain and texture of the wood nicely.  As the finish ages and mellows in color it will tend to go nicely with the green upper cabinets.  Listen to me, I sound like I’m getting cabinets ready for some cookie-cutter home in an upscale subdivision rather than my shop…  And once again, I painted them green because that was the only paint I had laying around my shop that weekend!

The first 20 drawer fronts have been easy since the tallest one was only six inches.  The last five however will be a bit more involved.  The fronts for these drawers will have to be over ten inches tall.  I will have to glue-up these slabs from narrower stock or else do a frame and panel using some thin plywood.  I hate to use the plywood since all of the other fronts are made from solid wood.  However, that big of a slab will tend to warp and twist.  I may risk going for the glue up, as it would look a lot nicer than the plywood.

Clearing Ahead

The kids are back in school and we are all falling into our weekly routines.  Matt is finally getting himself out of the bed without me being his alarm clock and Abby is settling back into the grove of being back home.  Everyone is back on a normal daily schedule with classes and after school activities.  While many might think a normal routine like this is boring and dreary, I find comfort in it.  It gives me a “normal feeling” that I have deeply missed over the last few years.  I obtain a sense of tranquility quietly sitting here tapping on the keys of my laptop while the kids grind away at homework and school studies.

It will soon be my favorite time of year.  The leaves will soon start turning and the morning air will turn crisp and dryer.  I’ll shortly be finding excuses to get outside without being stifled by oppressive heat and humidity.  It will soon be cool enough to spend whole days out in the shop cutting, milling and sanding chunks of wood into something beautiful and useful.  Even with power tools running and the air filled with wood dust I tend to transcend into a hushed state of ease when I’m out there.  Even as I slide a piece of wood across the table saw with my fingers mere inches from a spinning saw blade I am at ease and without fear.       

Even with September approaching I feel more at peace than I have all year.  There is just something about being back in our routines that helps me calm down and relax to a larger degree.  In fact I’m not even dreading the approach of September like I have for the past couple of years.  Don’t get me wrong, I truly have learned to despise that day on the calendar and pray for it to pass quickly and without incident.  However, this year it feels different for some reason.  I suppose every year it tends to feel a little different… Maybe that’s just the passage of time…  The passage of healing time…

Still, I know better than to let my guard down.  One thing I have learned over the past three years is that every time I think I’m out of the woods, another forest seems to be standing there in front of me.  Nevertheless, with every thicket that I fight my way through I become stronger and more resolute.  I know that there will be another clearing ahead that will give me time to rest and recover before diving into yet another forest filled with dense underbrush.  It’s in those clearings, I have a chance to clear my head and regain my energy. 

    

Summer Vacation

I continue to be haunted by my love for Lisa.

You see we just got back from our annual visit to the Ritz Carlton on Amelia Island.  It was, as always, a wonderful place to get away and be treated special.  I did pretty well for the most part.  However, it was difficult to see all the happy couples walking throughout the hotel holding hands, smiling and enjoying their children.

I just cant help but think, “that was us” when I see them.  It reminds me of what I have lost.  It makes me mad that I don’t still have that.  We just had so many good times there.  It was always fun and relaxing.  It’s not so much fun when your at the pool with an empty chair next to you.  On one hand, I think that it would be good to find a new place to go and do something different.  On the other hand, we have many good memories of time spent there.  I even discussed the possibility of finding a new destination with the kids and they didn’t even want to think about it.

All that said we had a pretty good time.  My brother and his family even came to the hotel for one night.  That helped break things up a little bit.  It was nice to have them with us for a while.  To mix things up even more, I let Matt bring a buddy this year instead of Abby bringing someone.

Of course, Matt’s first choice was his buddy William.  They get along great and I don’t think that they have ever had a cross word with one another.  They are easy to please and have gotten to the point were they really don’t need constant supervision.  Well they might need a little supervision considering they each showed up at the pool one afternoon with a tattoo sticker on their lower back. I’m not sure where they got the stickers but we all got a pretty good laugh out of their antics.

A trip to the beach is always a wonderful treat but it’s always great to be back home.  I’m going to think long and hard about finding a new place to spend our summer vacation.  I’m leaning toward trying something new and making some new traditions and memories.  I think that might be a healthy choice and enable me to continue to move forward in my life without Lisa.