Bedroom Box

It’s been about ten days since it snowed here in central Georgia and there are still a few patches of snow here and there.  It was quite an event and one I’m sure, or at least I hope, we will not see again for quite a while.  The kids were out of school for an entire week and I’m pretty sure they didn’t mine in the least.

Given the fact it was so cold and messy outside this weekend, I spent most of my time in the house.  It gave me time to get caught up on a few things that have needed my attention for some time now. 

You see, there’s been this box sitting on the floor in my bedroom for three years and four months.  It’s a box of things that Jamie collected from Lisa’s classroom.  Just some personal items, trinkets and pictures that Lisa kept in her classroom.  When Jamie brought it to me I sat it in on the floor in my bedroom and it’s been sitting there, collecting dust, ever since.

I don’t know if it’s remained there due to a lack of courage, time or energy.  Maybe I just got sick of looking at it and telling myself I needed to do something with that stuff.  I don’t know why but this weekend I finally decided to tackle it.  It took three false starts and I even wound up throwing some things out only to dig them back out of the trashcan.  I went through it and organized it, like I do most things, and packed it up for storage.

It was just a box but it really feels good to have it out of there. 

Since the last bay of the garage is almost finished, I’ll have a place for that box along with several others soon.  I finished up the electrical and the last of the insulation and ran out of steam.  So, I hired the drywall out.  I decided my time was more valuable then the money I would spend having someone else do the work.  The annual FFA statewide woodworking competition is coming up in just a couple of months and Matt wants to enter a project. 

He didn’t get to do a project last year due to my slow progress on the cabinets that I was building for the shop side of the garage.  He is looking for some payback this year after only winning second place for that fantastic podium that he made his freshman year.  This years project is an Adirondack chair and he’s going to use a design (pictured above) that I came up with several years ago when I made one for Lisa.  I made it for her one Christmas and promised her that it was a one of a kind for her.  While I promised her that I wouldn't make another one for anyone else, I don’t think she would mind Matt borrowing the design.

I think the boy might just take first place this year…

Slip Sliding Away

I finally got Baby-Girl home.  She led the way and I followed at a safe distance.  She did pretty well until she hit the driveway.  The long incline along with all the ice was just too much for her little two-wheel drive SUV.  She got about half way up and just started sliding back down.  After a couple of attempts I finally got her to the top.  Then I realized she would have to go back down it in the morning.  So back down I went… going down was a good bit easier than going up.  Now don’t laugh but no sooner did I get her taken care of and in the house she wanted to know if I thought it would be okay to go to the gym and work-out.

Yeah I know…but I’m trying to let her make her own decisions so rather than go with my gut and shout something like “have you lost your mind” I asked her a simple question.  Is possibly having a wreck worth going to the gym?  She said yes it was and I replied well I don’t think that’s a very smart choice.

Nothing else was said but as I’m typing this she is over there on the couch playing “angry birds” and I’m pretty proud of the fact that she decided to play it safe.  After all, if she had wound up in the ditch, who’s she going to call and drag out into the dark and cold?  That’s right, me…

Maybe she’s finally figuring out that when she has a problem, most of the time it turns into a problem for me!

Its going to be dang cold again tonight but on the bright side it will get well above freezing tomorrow afternoon.  That should help thaw things out.  Now I'm just keeping my fingers crossed that I don't find any busted pipes when the thaw hits.  The house should be fine but we have water down at the barn and no heat.  I'm just going to think positive and keep my fingers crossed.

Deep South Deep Freeze

What a week…

With a good snowstorm being in the forecast for Sunday night the kids knew they would be stuck her for the day.  They also knew that I have never, not gone to work due to the weather.  It might take me a while but four-wheel drive and light foot will do a lot for you.  Since they both figured I would be heading to work on Monday they both took off Sunday to spend the night with friends.  Little did we realize just how bad things were going to get. 

I woke up at 4:00 on Monday morning to a real mess.  For the first time ever, I was I was not willing to make the drive.  I called my boss and we both agreed to close the factory we run.

It’s Wednesday night and things are not much better.  We worked a half day Tuesday and had a late start today.  Most of the main roads are clear but all our little backcountry roads are hit and miss. 

Jet, Bo (the horses) and Pancake (Matt’s calf) have been stuck in the barn since Sunday night but they seem to be happy to be out of the cold, snow and ice.  It’s been a bit challenge to keep them in water and get them fed twice a day while still working and running to see the kids and deliver clean clothes.

The picture above was taken this morning just as the sun was coming up.  It appears to be a frozen lake but is actually a photo of the pasture just outside my living room window.  It’s basically about seven inches of snow with about an eighth of an inch of ice over top of it.  I was actually able to walk on it without breaking through.

School has been closed all week and it’s canceled for tomorrow too.  Maybe, things will thaw out a bit more tomorrow and I can get my kids back home and let the animals out of the barn.  I’m not holding my breath considering the five day forecast.

But, thank goodness for four-wheel drive and friends.

A Double Edged Sword

Grief is a blessing…

NO, I haven’t lost my mind or taken to drink in excess.  I have just been blessed with a mind that thinks non-stop and likes to excessively examine things and look at them from every perspective.  A, long ago, mentor once told me that knowledge is power.  He said that if you are knowledgeable about something then you can make meaningful and informed decisions about it.  He also went on to say that you can think something to death and that you will never have all the information that is available so at a point you need to let the bullets fly.  On the subject of grief, I would say that I have analyzed it and thought it to death and it may be time to let the bullets fly.  And while I am not a trained professional I have experienced my share of it.  So, here it is…

Greif is a blessing at the same time it is a curse.

It compels you to look deep within yourself as it forces you to look all around you. 

It forces you into a corner as it helps you to step out in new directions. 

It changes you for the better and for the worse. 

It will scar you at the same time it heals you.

It is noxious at the same time it is beneficial.

It has made me sad while it has forced me to smile upon things.

It rips away what is not important while building up what is really important.

It is the same for all while being different for each.

It can make you question and drive you closer to it.

It can blind you yet help you to see things more clearly.

It can help you love more deeply and make you hate more intensely.

It can harden you at the same time it softens you.

I think that some may have trouble understanding all this but I also think that those of you who have experienced what I and many others have will understand how grief can be a curse at the same time it is a blessing.

This post is dedicated to my friend Janine whom inspired it.

One With One on One-One

I’m sad to say I am off for only one more day. I am one with one on one, one, eleven.  Rather apropos wouldn’t you say?

I almost feel guilty for feeling so good.  Note I said almost… It does feel good to feel good however.  And I feel rested and rejuvenated.  I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I felt rested… I guess that just goes to show you what two weeks of getting more than six hours of sleep each night will do for one.

It’s been a great two weeks and after tomorrow we are back to our normal schedules.  Oh, how I am going to miss my time off.  Of course, someone has to pay the bills so it’s back to work like it or not.

It’s been the best Christmas break in three years.  Of course I have had my moments and missed my sweet Lisa but overall it’s been pretty darn enjoyable.  Even the rain that has been falling most of the day has not dampened my spirits.

We have had many good meals with wonderful friends.  We have stayed up late most nights and been slow to rise each morning.  Most days have been productive but overall stress free.  I feel more balanced than I have in a long time.  I was able to find a balance between working in the shop and around the farm with taking some time out to play and just enjoy my time off.  That’s a triumph for me, as I tend to be so all-or-nothing with so many things in my life.

As with a lot of things over the past two weeks, I have broken with tradition and I am not taking down the Christmas tree this weekend.  Matt said it’s too depressing taking down the tree and I agreed.  There’s just something about coming home to a warmly lit Christmas tree.  It makes the house feel warm and comforting.  So, we decided we would leave it up until next weekend.

Maybe next weekend we’ll have a late New Years celebration with little bonfire down near the barn.  We can toss the tree on it for a grand finale.  Who knows, I might even drink a beer!

Happy New Year to all of you.   May your blessings be abundant in the coming year and if your heart is broken like mine, may it heal and become strong again as mine continues too.

Six

Much like the snow outside my door, my time off from work is slowly disappearing.  I don’t have to go back to work for another six days but I’m already thinking about how much I will miss being at home with the kids. I hear so many people say that they will be happy when the kids get back to school.  Not me, heck I wish we had another month off together.  In fact, it’s times like this that make me wish that I could have just quit working and stayed home with the kids.

How wonderful would that have been?  To be here every day when they woke up and to greet them when they came home from school.  Then again, I know that pretty soon they will both be gone and at that point I would be wishing I had my job back.  Well, maybe not…

I suppose that’s how life tends to be.  It’s never just right.  It never seems to be exactly like we want it to be.  It would seem we are never happy enough.  I guess that’s what makes us human.

I can tell you I wont miss the shopping and re-shopping.  Matt and I spent the better part of the last two days taking care of exchanges and returns.  I also had a couple more gifts that I needed to pick up for later this week.  It hasn’t been too crowded on the roads or in the stores however.  That makes it a whole lot easier. I think the snow and cold has kept the lesser of heart holed up at home.

I’m ready for some shop time.  Yesterday we picked up about six hundred feet of insulation and I think I’ll work on that today.  I have just a couple more studs to put in place and after I get the insulation in I can start hanging the drywall.  A day out in the shop will be a welcome change of pace for me.

Christmas

The last few days have been good.

We attended church on Christmas Eve and enjoyed a great candlelight service.  After church we spent the rest of the evening with our friends Roy and Diane.  We had a great meal with them and it really helped to be out of the house and have my mind occupied.  It was a good Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning was not too bad this year.  Of course, the roles have reversed over the years and now I’m up before the kids.  They still like me to do the Santa thing and I’m happy to play along.  This year, I did it a little different and put everything under the tree after I woke up rather then before I went to bed.  Like I said, the roles have reversed over the years and the kids wind up staying up a good bit longer than me.  So, I was up by about seven downed the required cups of coffee and then got busy.  I did the Santa thing and got all the gifts put under and around the tree.  In order to keep occupied I got busy in the kitchen and whipped up a breakfast quiche.  I found a good recipe that called for spinach, mushrooms, Swiss and cheddar cheese, eggs and sour cream.  I “manned it up” a bit with the addition of some bacon, onion and just a little cyan pepper.  It turned out great and the kids even told me that I need to make it again.  That’s always a good sign that they’re not just being nice when they say they like it.  About the time I was finishing up with preparing breakfast I found Matt on the couch.

When I told him to wake his sister up he called her cell phone.  Really, her room is literally ten feet away and he called her cell phone!  He said that was the safest and surest way to wake her up.  Can’t say that I disagree with him as she can tend to wake up a bit annoyed.  Once Abby rolled out of the bed we took to opening gifts while my super delicious quiche cooked.

The gift opening is when I tend to feel odd and miss Lisa.  We always took so much pleasure in seeing the kids open all the gifts on Christmas morning.  We would always sit together , practically in each others lap, on the couch and watch them.  However, this year it didn’t seem quite so awkward.  I think the fact that I stayed so busy seemed to help a good bit.  I was just happy not to be sitting there feeling like I wanted to puke and cry all at the same time.

After breakfast I got things cleaned up and started on dinner.  Yeah, I know, food, food, food.  I had a plan though and it was working for me.  For dinner I cooked an eight-pound standing rib roast.  Nothing says "I’m a man and I know how to cook", like prime rib.  That’s right I did the whole bit.  Prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.  It was nothing short a lip smacking good and my big outside dog Anna really enjoyed the rib bones.

Lisa’s mom and dad were supposed to join us but bailed on me at the last minute.  They just didn’t feel good about coming to see us with a snowstorm being called for.  While we have had snow in these parts, usually in March, we have never had a white Christmas.  We did yesterday and it was a wonderful sight.  I just love snow.  We get just enough each year to make us love it.  Anyhow, when Al and Lois bailed out on me I called some dear friends and they spent the evening with us instead.  It turned out great…

Tonight, Matt and I went to see the movie True Grit.  I loved the first one and this one was just as good.  Just a great movie...

Like I said, It’s been a pretty good past day or so…

On The Dark Side

Up at five-thirty this morning, so much for sleeping in.  I was actually awake well before that but just lay there tossing and turning.  I suppose I tend to lie there and toss around for a while rather than get up and sit here alone.  

I woke up thinking about Lisa this morning, as I do most days.  What kept rolling around in my head was would she be happy with where we are or how we have done in her absence.  Would she like what she sees or would she be disappointed in our progress.  I’ve been somewhat preoccupied with this question of late.  In fact, I asked Matt this question recently.  I asked him if he thought mom would be happy with how we were doing.  You know what he said?  He said “I think what’s important is how do YOU think we are doing”.  Smart kid…

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I’m sure the next day or so will be bit thorny.  Tonight we have plans to spend the evening with friends.  Tomorrow Lisa’s folks are coming over to spend the day with us and share Christmas dinner.  My prayer is just that we can pick our way through the briars and find some joy in having each other and being together.

I detest that it seems we have to be somewhere other than at home for Christmas Eve.  Maybe one of these days we will feel like that’s the thing to do once again.  Maybe we can do that without it feeling like there is a big ole hole in the house.  Maybe one day…

Over the last couple of days I have been working on the last section of the garage.  This single bay is the dark side of the garage and needs a bit of work.  It’s unfinished and only has a couple of dingy old lights.  So far, I have installed a new window, put up a new wall and interior door and rewired the electrical.  I put up the new wall and door to have a separate clean storage area.  Our little farmhouse has very little storage space and we desperately need somewhere, other than the barn, to store stuff.  This room will be sealed off from the rest of the shop and I have no doubt will be filled up before we know it.

I suppose our life is kind of like the garage.  There is a small section that is dark, messy and unfinished but if you continue to the other side it's brightly lit, clean and tidy.  If we keep moving forward we WILL move into that brightly lit side and hopefully that dark side will one day not seem so dark and messy.

Goals

While at work last week I was tasked with the mandatory and mundane task of completing my annual review.  While listing my accomplishments for the past year and my goals for the coming year, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how fast life has and continues to change for me.  It occurred to me that while at times the calendar has seemed to be in slow motion, the past three years seem to have actually passed by at lightning speed.  It also, forced me to think about goals and accomplishments in my personal life.

While I haven’t had the time or energy to complete the renovations and improvements on the house I do feel that I have been successful in keeping my focus on what’s important.  There will be time for renovations in the not too distant future.  That will wait until I complete the goal that’s driven me forward since the day I lost Lisa.  The goal that I know Lisa would have wanted me to make my most important.  The one goal that I know she would have wanted me to attain.  The goal of raising, caring for and loving our children...

While I know I’m far from perfect, I think that all things considered I’m doing okay.  Sure I’ve made mistakes and sure I could have done some things differently but overall I’m happy with the way that I work toward this goal.  For me, that’s pretty big considering I can remember sitting at my desk one day telling a buddy of mine that I just wasn’t so sure that I could pull this off.

Those early days were filled with desperation and feelings of inadequacy.  Those feelings have, for the most part, been replaced with feelings of triumph and self-confidence.

Christmas break is finally here.  I’m off for the next two weeks and looking forward to spending some time with the kids and sleeping late every day.  I’ve finished my Christmas shopping and even have everything wrapped already!  I know, not bad for a guy, right!

To kick off the start of my holiday break I made one of my favorite dishes for dinner last night.  Pan seared scallops with angel hair pasta.  It’s really easy to make.  You just pop the scallops in a pan with some oil or butter, I like the butter, and brown them.  When they get done in the same pan you sauté some finely chopped onion and garlic then add about a cup or so of Half & Half.  Flavor that with basil, lemon zest, salt and pepper.

Yum!

Cha Cha Change

Sometimes change is good…

I’ve talked about change a lot in this venue.  Some folks like change and some don’t.  My “baby girl” hates change.  Heck, if we don’t get just the right seats on Sunday morning at church she just about nuts up.  She likes things to remain the same and bucks any mention of changes. 

As for me, I don’t mind change so much.  I do however, like to be able to choose what changes and when it changes rather than have it forced onto me.

So in the spirit of not minding change, I changed my blog background along with a few other things.

Most obviously you will note that the profile picture is now a picture of me rather than of Lisa.  Since I started this blog, I have never included pictures of myself.  I suppose what led me to change this was an email from someone recently.  They, understandably but mistakenly called me Lisa when they wrote to me.  I say understandably since there was no indication associated with the blog of who I actually was.  Well, none other than my email… so I figured it was about time I changed that.

Now if we can just get to church in time to get our regular seats on Sunday, all will be well.  At least in Abby’s mind…