Bad Morning

Yesterday did not start out so well. I made the below posting and went back to my coffee. Inevitable I started thinking about Lisa. I love to think about her but I think it can be a double edged sword. While it reminds me of the happy times it also reminds me of my loss and makes me miss her.

It was one of those things that just come over me. I was afraid when I started this Blog that this would happen. I was afraid that it would do more harm than good. I don't know if it was the writing process or something else. However, the morning spiraled out of control fairly quickly. I got to one of those points where I just don't know what to do. A sort of fear comes over me and I cannot make the slightest decision about anything. I was getting bogged down pretty quick. As a remedy I tried to make myself busy. I put on a load of wash and jumped in the shower. That seemed to help a little. Finally I decided to kick Matt out of the bed and have him run errands with me. Once I got up and got moving and focused on a goal I was fine and my head started to clear. I suppose it is the alone time that makes it hard for me. In the morning before the kids were up was when we did most of our talking. Lisa would be right behind me. We would sit and drink coffee and just talk or read the paper together. This was the time when I would get my plans validated or garner that support I needed for something. This is when it was just me and Lisa. We would talk about the kids, work, money or other things that married couples talk about.

Now I don't have that time. I am alone and that is when the fear takes hold. It is hard to explain. It is just one of those things that I don't understand.

Today is going to be better. Matt and I are going to get an early start and we have a number of things we want to accomplish. I m looking forward to a productive day.