Mothers Day

Mothers day was not too bad. I spent a lot of time with the kids this weekend and I think that helped. Matt seemed to do just fine. We talked a little bit Sunday night and he said that the way he deals with it is to just not think about it. I suppose what he is telling me is that he just wants to move forward and put it out of his mind. Abby too seemed to have a pretty good weekend. I think she has the same methodology as Matt, ignore it and it will soon pass.

Matt had a big school project he needed to work on so church was out for him. Abby and I waffled back and forth on going to church. We both really wanted to attend but we knew it would be all about Mom’s. I told Abby that I would go alone but she insisted on being there for me despite the fact she knew it would be a painful experience for her. When I got up Sunday morning I thought better of it and decided that I was not up for it. Additionally, I did not want Abby to have to endure it just because of me. I just could not get into the right frame of mind. So, I let them both sleep in and I got moving with some small chores that I had been putting off.

As the day moved on I found we were going in different directions. Matt spent the entire day in the study working on his project. Abby, as usual, hit the road to a friend’s house. I decided, after a failed attempt at a mid day nap, I would cut grass. I rode the mower for several hours and then got cleaned up and fixed me an Matt a good supper. After Supper I did what I have been putting off all day. I called both my mother and Lisa’s mother.

While I had sent them both a nice card, I felt it would be nice to still call. It continues to be difficult for me to talk to Lisa’s mom. I could tell she was hurting. I could hear it in her voice. It takes a degree of strength for me to talk to her without becoming upset. Especially when she is down and sounding like grief has took hold to her once again. It is hard enough to carry myself through the conversation without having to carry her also. I just know how much it means to her if I do call. I can tell that it brings her a great deal of comfort. After all, we are eternally linked together with a common loss. How could I ever shun her. We spoke for several minutes and agreed to get together for Matt’s upcoming birthday.

Next was the call to my mom. The conversation with my mother is not much easier as with her I can tell that she is very concerned for me. I can hear in her voice the pain that comes from knowing your child is hurting. Yes I am smart enough to know that even though I am 48 I am still her boy and always will be. I can hear her searching for a sign that I am doing okay and that the pain, at least for today, is not overwhelming. I try to give her reassurance that I am well and try to put her at ease. This too takes a noteworthy amount effort at times. It’s hard to give others comfort in your mental state when you just want to walk out the front door and have a good scream.

Dinner made, kitchen cleaned and phone calls completed. One more painful holiday behind us.