Happiness

How can this be so gripping and unyielding? I find myself at a precipice, a point where I feel as though I am being forced to take one rode or another. I find myself at this point where I must decide to move on or live life forever in mourning. Can't there be some middle ground. Some way for me to remember her and cherish what we had but still move on in my life. I don't want to just put it behind me and let Lisa just be a distant memory in a previous chapter of my life. Some days I think, I can do this, I can move forward and put this horrible nightmare behind. Then I think, no I can't do this, I can't forget. I have to keep the memories alive and fresh in my mind. I feel guilt, a guilt that I am doing something wrong. Like I am somehow doing something that I should not be doing.

I know this is crazy. I know that Lisa would want nothing more than for me to be happy. I was happy. I was happy being with her. I was happy being her pool boy, mechanic, yard man, provider, husband and lover. Sure, she would say get off your pity-pot, it is what it is, move on big boy and enjoy life and all that it has to offer. I know thats what she would want and yes I would want that for her. However, I suppose it's hard when you have spent the last 20 years living to make someone else happy. Caring only about them being content and happy with everything. I have for the last 20 years only wanted for her happiness, not mine. It was very simple, when Lisa was happy I was happy and when she was not I was not. So it's a bit hard to focus on my happiness now. I am trying and I am working toward it but still I find that, no, I fear that I will in the process forget. I really don't want to forget.