Nilla Wafers

I am determined to not let this very quiet alone time get me down. I have not been deeply depressed or significantly upset in quiet a number of weeks. I am trying to use this time alone in a positive manner and refocus on what is important. The most important thing that I need to refocus on is my son. I plan to start with feeding us better when he gets home Sunday. I have grown lazy and stopped planning and cooking healthy meals. We have been eating out far too much and it needs to stop now. Of course, I cannot feed him what I wound up eating last night either. My nutritious meal consisted of a half a box of vanilla wafers and a very large glass of 2% milk. Hey at least it was 2%. I felt horrible afterward and was sure that I had just filled myself with vanilla flavored cardboard. Nope, we are going to get back to eating some veggies around here. While I do love a good steak, I love just as much a big plate of veggies. The problem I have is that my skills consists mainly of boiling some sort of green such as broccoli or green beans. I am going to make a concentrated effort to learn how to cook more vegetables. Maybe I will finish off that box of vanilla wafers first.

While Matt is the most important thing I need to focus on, I suppose my emotional and physical health is next. Especially since Abby is for the most part out on her own. In fact, she will only be back from working at camp just a couple of weeks before she will then be moving out at the end of August. So yes, I am putting me second in line. I am going to start eating better and I am going to make an effort to get more exercise. I am going to redouble my effort to find support and help from others. While I have looked a great deal for advice on my situation, I find that almost 100% of the information out there is for or from widows not widowers. I need to talk to other men, good men that have been through this hell that I have been and continue to go through. I thought that I was producing this blog, to in some small way help others, when in reality I think that I am the one looking for guidance and support. I suppose there is a lack of men out there that are willing to put their feelings on the line and be open with their situation. Typical of most men I suppose. Anyhow, I am going to keep looking. I know I am not the only man out their that has gone or is going through this.

I did however come across blog earlier this evening. It is called The Irreverent Widow. I don't yet know how to include a link in my writing but you can Google it. Just go to her web site and click on Sandi's Blog at the bottom. The woman who writes it is, of course, a widow but what is interesting is how she writes. She has such a wonderful sense of humor about the whole thing. As I read her words I cannot help but laugh. She seems to have quiet a take on things.

There is so much pain associated with this process and so much agony that to see someone be able to find humor in it all is quite something. I miss the laughter in the house. Lisa had such a brassy and unique laugh to her. Matt would tend to make one of those comments that only a teen age boy can make and she would just bust out in that laugh. Her laugh was so humorous in itself we would all wind up laughing at her. What I would not give to hear that laugh just one more time. Thats a whole other post however...