Six

Much like the snow outside my door, my time off from work is slowly disappearing.  I don’t have to go back to work for another six days but I’m already thinking about how much I will miss being at home with the kids. I hear so many people say that they will be happy when the kids get back to school.  Not me, heck I wish we had another month off together.  In fact, it’s times like this that make me wish that I could have just quit working and stayed home with the kids.

How wonderful would that have been?  To be here every day when they woke up and to greet them when they came home from school.  Then again, I know that pretty soon they will both be gone and at that point I would be wishing I had my job back.  Well, maybe not…

I suppose that’s how life tends to be.  It’s never just right.  It never seems to be exactly like we want it to be.  It would seem we are never happy enough.  I guess that’s what makes us human.

I can tell you I wont miss the shopping and re-shopping.  Matt and I spent the better part of the last two days taking care of exchanges and returns.  I also had a couple more gifts that I needed to pick up for later this week.  It hasn’t been too crowded on the roads or in the stores however.  That makes it a whole lot easier. I think the snow and cold has kept the lesser of heart holed up at home.

I’m ready for some shop time.  Yesterday we picked up about six hundred feet of insulation and I think I’ll work on that today.  I have just a couple more studs to put in place and after I get the insulation in I can start hanging the drywall.  A day out in the shop will be a welcome change of pace for me.

Christmas

The last few days have been good.

We attended church on Christmas Eve and enjoyed a great candlelight service.  After church we spent the rest of the evening with our friends Roy and Diane.  We had a great meal with them and it really helped to be out of the house and have my mind occupied.  It was a good Christmas Eve.

Christmas morning was not too bad this year.  Of course, the roles have reversed over the years and now I’m up before the kids.  They still like me to do the Santa thing and I’m happy to play along.  This year, I did it a little different and put everything under the tree after I woke up rather then before I went to bed.  Like I said, the roles have reversed over the years and the kids wind up staying up a good bit longer than me.  So, I was up by about seven downed the required cups of coffee and then got busy.  I did the Santa thing and got all the gifts put under and around the tree.  In order to keep occupied I got busy in the kitchen and whipped up a breakfast quiche.  I found a good recipe that called for spinach, mushrooms, Swiss and cheddar cheese, eggs and sour cream.  I “manned it up” a bit with the addition of some bacon, onion and just a little cyan pepper.  It turned out great and the kids even told me that I need to make it again.  That’s always a good sign that they’re not just being nice when they say they like it.  About the time I was finishing up with preparing breakfast I found Matt on the couch.

When I told him to wake his sister up he called her cell phone.  Really, her room is literally ten feet away and he called her cell phone!  He said that was the safest and surest way to wake her up.  Can’t say that I disagree with him as she can tend to wake up a bit annoyed.  Once Abby rolled out of the bed we took to opening gifts while my super delicious quiche cooked.

The gift opening is when I tend to feel odd and miss Lisa.  We always took so much pleasure in seeing the kids open all the gifts on Christmas morning.  We would always sit together , practically in each others lap, on the couch and watch them.  However, this year it didn’t seem quite so awkward.  I think the fact that I stayed so busy seemed to help a good bit.  I was just happy not to be sitting there feeling like I wanted to puke and cry all at the same time.

After breakfast I got things cleaned up and started on dinner.  Yeah, I know, food, food, food.  I had a plan though and it was working for me.  For dinner I cooked an eight-pound standing rib roast.  Nothing says "I’m a man and I know how to cook", like prime rib.  That’s right I did the whole bit.  Prime rib, garlic mashed potatoes and asparagus.  It was nothing short a lip smacking good and my big outside dog Anna really enjoyed the rib bones.

Lisa’s mom and dad were supposed to join us but bailed on me at the last minute.  They just didn’t feel good about coming to see us with a snowstorm being called for.  While we have had snow in these parts, usually in March, we have never had a white Christmas.  We did yesterday and it was a wonderful sight.  I just love snow.  We get just enough each year to make us love it.  Anyhow, when Al and Lois bailed out on me I called some dear friends and they spent the evening with us instead.  It turned out great…

Tonight, Matt and I went to see the movie True Grit.  I loved the first one and this one was just as good.  Just a great movie...

Like I said, It’s been a pretty good past day or so…

On The Dark Side

Up at five-thirty this morning, so much for sleeping in.  I was actually awake well before that but just lay there tossing and turning.  I suppose I tend to lie there and toss around for a while rather than get up and sit here alone.  

I woke up thinking about Lisa this morning, as I do most days.  What kept rolling around in my head was would she be happy with where we are or how we have done in her absence.  Would she like what she sees or would she be disappointed in our progress.  I’ve been somewhat preoccupied with this question of late.  In fact, I asked Matt this question recently.  I asked him if he thought mom would be happy with how we were doing.  You know what he said?  He said “I think what’s important is how do YOU think we are doing”.  Smart kid…

Tonight is Christmas Eve and I’m sure the next day or so will be bit thorny.  Tonight we have plans to spend the evening with friends.  Tomorrow Lisa’s folks are coming over to spend the day with us and share Christmas dinner.  My prayer is just that we can pick our way through the briars and find some joy in having each other and being together.

I detest that it seems we have to be somewhere other than at home for Christmas Eve.  Maybe one of these days we will feel like that’s the thing to do once again.  Maybe we can do that without it feeling like there is a big ole hole in the house.  Maybe one day…

Over the last couple of days I have been working on the last section of the garage.  This single bay is the dark side of the garage and needs a bit of work.  It’s unfinished and only has a couple of dingy old lights.  So far, I have installed a new window, put up a new wall and interior door and rewired the electrical.  I put up the new wall and door to have a separate clean storage area.  Our little farmhouse has very little storage space and we desperately need somewhere, other than the barn, to store stuff.  This room will be sealed off from the rest of the shop and I have no doubt will be filled up before we know it.

I suppose our life is kind of like the garage.  There is a small section that is dark, messy and unfinished but if you continue to the other side it's brightly lit, clean and tidy.  If we keep moving forward we WILL move into that brightly lit side and hopefully that dark side will one day not seem so dark and messy.

Goals

While at work last week I was tasked with the mandatory and mundane task of completing my annual review.  While listing my accomplishments for the past year and my goals for the coming year, I couldn’t help but be amazed at how fast life has and continues to change for me.  It occurred to me that while at times the calendar has seemed to be in slow motion, the past three years seem to have actually passed by at lightning speed.  It also, forced me to think about goals and accomplishments in my personal life.

While I haven’t had the time or energy to complete the renovations and improvements on the house I do feel that I have been successful in keeping my focus on what’s important.  There will be time for renovations in the not too distant future.  That will wait until I complete the goal that’s driven me forward since the day I lost Lisa.  The goal that I know Lisa would have wanted me to make my most important.  The one goal that I know she would have wanted me to attain.  The goal of raising, caring for and loving our children...

While I know I’m far from perfect, I think that all things considered I’m doing okay.  Sure I’ve made mistakes and sure I could have done some things differently but overall I’m happy with the way that I work toward this goal.  For me, that’s pretty big considering I can remember sitting at my desk one day telling a buddy of mine that I just wasn’t so sure that I could pull this off.

Those early days were filled with desperation and feelings of inadequacy.  Those feelings have, for the most part, been replaced with feelings of triumph and self-confidence.

Christmas break is finally here.  I’m off for the next two weeks and looking forward to spending some time with the kids and sleeping late every day.  I’ve finished my Christmas shopping and even have everything wrapped already!  I know, not bad for a guy, right!

To kick off the start of my holiday break I made one of my favorite dishes for dinner last night.  Pan seared scallops with angel hair pasta.  It’s really easy to make.  You just pop the scallops in a pan with some oil or butter, I like the butter, and brown them.  When they get done in the same pan you sauté some finely chopped onion and garlic then add about a cup or so of Half & Half.  Flavor that with basil, lemon zest, salt and pepper.

Yum!

Cha Cha Change

Sometimes change is good…

I’ve talked about change a lot in this venue.  Some folks like change and some don’t.  My “baby girl” hates change.  Heck, if we don’t get just the right seats on Sunday morning at church she just about nuts up.  She likes things to remain the same and bucks any mention of changes. 

As for me, I don’t mind change so much.  I do however, like to be able to choose what changes and when it changes rather than have it forced onto me.

So in the spirit of not minding change, I changed my blog background along with a few other things.

Most obviously you will note that the profile picture is now a picture of me rather than of Lisa.  Since I started this blog, I have never included pictures of myself.  I suppose what led me to change this was an email from someone recently.  They, understandably but mistakenly called me Lisa when they wrote to me.  I say understandably since there was no indication associated with the blog of who I actually was.  Well, none other than my email… so I figured it was about time I changed that.

Now if we can just get to church in time to get our regular seats on Sunday, all will be well.  At least in Abby’s mind…

The Dude Gene

Time and time again, when I talk to another person who has lost a spouse I find that we have an immediate connection. We understand each other. It’s almost like we are part of some morbid club. As my friend Janine says, we get each other. And, I like communicating with these people because I don’t feel the need to defend myself on some things or for that matter even explain some things. We are kindred spirits and can relate on a different plane than with others.


Mostly, for that reason, I tend to go out of my way to communicate with other Widowers or Widows. The puzzling thing for me is that from the very start of all this, I have found very few Widowers. I’m not just talking about bloggers either. I mean that I don’t even see them in my community. Take our church for example. While we have a number of Widows, I am the only Widower as far as I know. Looking at my community as a whole, I can see even more Widows but still only know of a couple other Widowers. Additionally, most of these Widowers have already remarried.

There are some out there. Some really great guys that are struggling through it all and doing an amazing job. Look here Matt Logelin and look here Socrates Newbold. Like I said amazing…

Anyhow, so what gives…?

I can understand that there are very few men writing about this in a blog. I totally get that. Most men, and I think being one gives me permission to make some assumptions here, tend to not be that open and willing to talk about affairs of this sort. I think most guys are too “manly” to talk about their feelings. Especially in this sort of venue. So sure, I can understand them not being here on the internet spilling their guts. That still doesn’t explain why I don’t see them around me here in my church or community.

My friend Cindy has a theory. She theorizes that we guys are in need and tend to remarry much faster than women do. She thinks that these guys need someone to take care of them. She sees guys get re-married as fast as six months. Cindy thinks that I’m an exception. Why am I and a few others like me the exception? Are we missing some vital “dude” gene that drives these other guys to get remarried so fast.

Maybe Cindy is correct…

Regardless, I do wonder where all the widowers are.