About Me

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Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

To Be Or Not To Be --Alone

I still struggle with these quiet mornings. For the past two mornings I have opened all the doors to let the cool morning air into the house and watched the sun come up. It is so calm quiet and cool. I really do enjoy this time of day with the exception of missing Lisa. It makes me think about a lot. One of the things that I am being forced to consider is the future. I think that I am drifting from grieving to loneliness. Jamie has been on me pretty hard to start dating. She says that I need to get out and meet someone. She says that I need to join a gym or take a class just to meet someone. Thing is, she's been telling me this for almost a year now. I am starting to think that she is right. I never have liked being alone. Matt leaves for camp in another week and I will be alone for two straight weeks. It's going to be way to quiet around here. I keep thinking that maybe as I get used to it, being alone it may not be so bad. Maybe it's missing Lisa that I hate so much and not the being alone that I hate. I suppose what I am saying is maybe I have not given it a chance. I don't know, this one is driving me crazy along with Jamie.

I am looking forward to this fall. I am still holding off on planting any more shrubs until this fall. My Hydrangeas are looking great but requiring constant watering. I don't want to drag a hose around the yard for the rest of the summer. I will no doubt be able to get a lot of plants on sale this fall also.

Saturday, May 30, 2009


I don't feel like writing this morning so I am just going to finish watching the sun come up and drink my coffee.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Birthday Dinner

Matt actually turned 16 today. In hind sight I suppose I should have scheduled a day of vacation since he was stuck here by himself. Hind sight is 20-20. Lisa's mom and dad had to postpone a scheduled birthday dinner so I had to take up the slack. Matt has been pestering the snot out of me to go to Longhorns for dinner. Pastor Tony was kind enough to give me a gift card for helping him with a recent sermon series. So, Matt and I had a nice dinner out together at Longhorns compliments of Pastor Tony. I did finally come up with a few gift ideas that worked out pretty well. Some new leather Chaco flip flops, a new Guy Harvey sun visor and a couple of movies that he just loves. During dinner I asked Matt if there was anything else he wanted for his birthday. He said yes, an oyster knife. "I want an oyster knife to pry these stinking braces off with".

Sixteen is a big birthday. He will replace his learners license with an actual license at the end of next month and the braces come off the following month. I doubt, however, that Doctor Harter will need to use an oyster knife.

Happy Birthday son, I love you.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Camp Mayhem

Great! The first phone call from camp is "Daddy I just got back from the emergency room". Emergency room! What emergency room? Apparently in preparing for campers that will start to arrive next week, the counselors at 4-H camp were rehearsing a skit. Who knew summer camp skits were a contact sport? It seems that part of the skit requires the counselors to build a human pyramid. Abby, being the cheerlead, was tagged to climb the pyramid and take the top position. There was some miscommunication and the pile came tumbling down. Abby apparently wound up with a pretty good blow to the head and badly sprained wrist in the mayhem.

Of course my first reaction was " I can be there in fifteen minutes". Abby assured me that it was not necessary for me to come to camp and act like an over protective father. She assured me that her head was fine and that the swelling would go down in the wrist soon. I relented, knowing that I could hardly afford take time off from work this week. She assured me that if she had any complications she would let me know right away. That gives me a lot of comfort considering right away in teenage terms is some time within a week to a month.

The 4-H folks are great people so I am sure she is in good hands.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Running Late

What a great way to start what will be a very busy week. I overslept nearly two and a half hours. I can count on one hand how many times I have been late for work over the past twenty years. Of course I always had my back up. If I ever rolled over and turned the alarm clock off, Lisa would be sure to kick me in the tail and roll me out of the bed in time to get to work. Now my only back up is the snooze alarm. However, when you hit the off button instead of the snooze button it don't work too well. Anyhow, I jumped up and got to work only about an hour and a half late. I suppose I could have gotten there a tad bit earlier if I had not stopped at Starbucks on the way. Hey, I have to have morning coffee and it has to be strong enough peel the stripe off a skunk.

Manufacturing is a strange beast that can turn on a dime. Lisa often had trouble understanding it, after all she was a teacher. The private sector and the public sector are at times a world apart. When I walked out of my office on Thursday I was saddled with news that I would have to return to work today prepared to layoff about 11 more employees. Some of these folks I have worked with for about 15 years. We have watched each others children grow up. One of the women even went into labor sitting in my office about 12 years ago. As you can image, I had a huge cloud hanging over me most of the weekend. Maybe oversleeping this morning was my mind telling me that I did not want to face this issue today. Low and behold, when I finally got to work and delivered my boss his cup of coffee ( I'm not an idiot, of course I am not going to walk into work late with a cup of Starbucks and not have one for my boss) I was told that things had changed. Not only do we not have to layoff additional people, we will be calling back to work approximately 25 of the 50 we already have on layoff. Of course, we need them yesterday! I'm going to need more Starbucks.

Sunday, May 24, 2009


Its Sunday morning and time to get the kids up for church. The boys finally all left yesterday around 11:00 and Matt crashed pretty hard. After a good long shower, he laid down on the coach to watch a bit of television. He lasted about 15 minutes before he fell slap asleep. He slept until almost 8 p.m. and only woke long enough for us to get something to eat.

I spent most of the day yesterday cleaning up the house and cutting the pastures. The weeds are coming on strong and about the only way to keep them from taking over completely is to keep them cut back. Riding a tractor for a couple of hours gives you a lot of time to think about things. Of course one of the main things I wind up thinking about is Lisa.

I am grappling with something. How do I not get overly wrapped up in my own problems and forget about others? I find that I can become so wrapped up with my issues that I forget about others. I forget that others have problems and issues also. It is important for me to be a good Father, Son, Brother and Friend. I have to find a balance in my life when it comes to this issue. I have, for many years, believed that the key to life is moderation. With that in mind I think that I have to find that moderation or balance in how wrapped up I get in my own issues. I have to force myself to stop thinking about my situation and remember that there are many others in my life that are also struggling with issues of their own. The thing is, it all seems to come back to Lisa. I like to think about her. I cant tell you how many times I look at a picture of her and just get this big grin on my face. I enjoy remembering her. However, thinking about her and dwelling on her are two different things.

I go from thinking to dwelling and then I start to get sad and depressed. Thats not what I want to do. Is there some point where one can move on? Is there some point that I can get to that allows me to not dwell but also not just completely forget? Is there a balance for me out there somewhere?

Friday, May 22, 2009

Party Update

The party is underway. They have drank energy drinks and sodas. They have ate chips, snack cakes and pizza. Cake and ice cream has been served. Now they are all down near the barn. Get this, they are taking turns holding a stick over their heads and spinning in a circle 15 to 20 times. Then they drop the stick and see how many times they can jump over it before they fall down. With all the crap they have eaten, I am waiting to see who pukes first. It is good to hear Matt laughing uncontrollably. What I really like is that he is a good kid who has good kids for friends. I know most of these boys. Some of them I even coached in pee-wee football years ago. It amazing to see how much they grow in a year. Not just in size but in how they carry themselves also. They are turning from boys to young men right before my eyes.

Schools Out For Summer

I have been very busy this week and not had much time to writing. Its good to have a very stressful week behind me. Matt made it through final exams and was even able to exempt one exam today. This allowed him to get out of school by 10:15 today. He is very excited about his party and I think even more excited to have his first year of high school behind him. Leaving behind MBMS has been a very positive thing for him. He seems to have done very well this year. Now to get through the summer.

Lisa made it a habit of working the summer school program most years. This always worked out for us pretty well. It enabled her to further contribute financially and she was also still able to get home about the time the kids rolled out of the bed. Now, Matt is kind of on his own during the summer. I wonder if he thinks about her during these days. I try to keep him as busy as possible but he can't go to camp every week. I have several work projects for him and hope to keep him somewhat active. He will get his drivers license in just a few weeks. This will at least enable to him to get out of here a bit this summer. He wont just be stuck here while Abby and I are both gone during the week. I don't think it has quite hit him how much freedom he will acquire along with a drivers license. I do hope he realizes how much responsibility comes along with it.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

No Girls Allowed

Did I mention that Matt has a big X-Box party planned in the barn loft? As I may have also mentioned he has completed some preparations for his get together. Judging from the above picture, about the only thing he is lacking is a disco ball and go-go dancers. The requested, Red Velvet cake has been ordered and will be picked up Thursday. I still don't know what to get this young man for his birthday. I am going to need to come up with something pretty soon. I have asked and asked and for the first time I have not been able to get any ideas from the birthday boy. He finished the driving portion of drivers education yesterday. All thats left is some parallel parking practice in an empty lot somewhere far far away from any other autos.

Monday, May 18, 2009

It Is What It Is

One of the tools that I have tried to use in my battle with grief has been to be more anticipative of it. This weekend caught me off guard. I was not expecting it and don't know what really triggered it. I suppose that not only does grief affect everyone differently it affects us at unpredictable times and for unpredictable reasons. I would have to say that I was spiraling out of control there for a little while. I think what helped me put this episode behind me was attending church and being surrounded by people that care about us and are concerned for us.

You have to surround yourself with good people. People that are willing to understand and not question your grief even when they don't understand. People that lift you up or give you the ability to lift yourself up. Nothing does me more good than to be surrounded by these people. Not just folks that are willing to help with a meal or a ride to school. While those are important people, just as important are those that are just there for you. Those that are willing to throw their arm around you and tell you they love you. Those that are willing to not judge you but are willing listen to your constant babbling and ranting about your loved lost one.

I am fine and back on track. I suppose in hindsight, announcing this work to everyone on Friday was not the best timing. Oh well, like Lisa always said, It is what it is. I am doing better today and looking forward to the completion of a busy week. Matt's party Friday, Mom & Dad's anniversary Saturday and Abby shipping off to camp on Sunday.

It's Monday evening so it's off to guitar lessons.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Moving On

Yeah I am still stuck in a dreadful mood this morning. However, I am going to make a real effort to get up and be productive. I am going to get off my pity pot and move on. I have to remember it's not about me. It's about the kids and I have to get moving in a positive direction for their sake. I have found that my mood these days effects them more than it ever has. I have to remember that they probably worry about me just as much as I worry about them. They don't need the burden of worrying about dad. So thats my motivation and my smack in the face.

Matt is not feeling well. He has been sneezing and coughing for the last day or so. I think it is moving into his chest and he is feeling miserable. I am going to let him sleep in. Abby is up and she is going to attend church with me. I am hoping that this will be the start of a good day and hopefully a great week. It is the last week of school for Matt and he is excited about his party Friday night. Hopefully he will be feeling a lot better by then.

Abby will have a busy week since she leaves for camp next weekend. I will miss her and her goofy faces.

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Pool Boy

How can I go from so high to so low?

I had such a good day yesterday and the morning started off well also. Shortly after I made my posting this morning. I decided to get busy. However, I once again found myself walking in circles trying to figure out what needed to be done. I could not make a decision on what to do next. I hate it when this happens. I get into this zone where I just want Lisa to tell me what she wants me to do. I cant make a decision about what to have for supper or how to spend my time. I feel bogged down and unable to get going on anything. Then I start missing her and wishing she was here to give me encouragement and that sense of being needed by someone. After 20 years of being married you don't do anything without talking to someone first. You don't even eat without checking in with that person first. You discuss purchases, chores, money, calendar events and even what time you might need to get up the next day. You talk about everything. I suppose that is part of the problem. I don't have that constant input anymore and after 20 years find myself unable to decide on my own. It sounds so easy but it is so hard. I am sure some might think that it would be a great position to be in. To be able to do what you want when you want without getting input from anyone. Not me, I miss her input and ability to take a position on something. Granted, she drove me up the wall at times. She would dig her heels in on some things to the point I was so mad at her I could spit nails. However, I loved her so much it did not matter. I would tuck my tail and do just what she wanted me to do. I would give just about anything to have that right now. I would love to have her pestering me right now. I would love to look up and see her standing there with her hands on her hips watching me do whatever it was she wanted done. I remember when we put the pool in at the Mallard house. Her and Diane were floating in the pool watching me toil in the heat and humidity building what would be the surrounding deck. She told Diane I was her pool boy. Oh pool boy, she would say, get me some ice tea. I loved being her pool boy.

Well, I finally got moving in one direction. I worked my way down to the barn to check on a feral cat that had taken up residence in the equipment shed. She had not moved much in a couple of days and did not look good. At closer examination, I found that she was just dragging her back legs behind her and it appeared her hips and/or back had been broken. I decided to put her out of her misery. We dug a hole close to the equipment shed and put her down. I hate to kill an animal for no reason. In this case the animal was just going too suffer to death. It had to be done.

A good day gone bad I suppose but like I tell the kids, it can always be worse.

Dinner And A Movie

It's always nice to see Friday roll around. We had a pretty good week. I decided to take it easy Friday. Usually I use Friday to take care of things like house cleaning or shopping. Instead this week I decided to goof off. I started the day by taking Matt to school. We stopped by AJ's and grabbed a biscuit for breakfast. After that I spent a couple hours with a good friend over a couple cups of coffee. I even took a nap Friday. I almost feel guilty for not being more productive. I picked Matt and William up after school and surprised them with an early birthday treat for Matt. We left school and took in the 4:00 opening of Angels and Demons. Matt read the book several years ago and was very interested in seeing the movie. Movie and dinner with a couple of knuckle heads!

Matt had two FFA dinners to attend this week. As you can see by the attached picture, we had a pretty good time at the one we were all able to attend on Thursday night.

One more week and Abby is off to camp for the summer and Matt is out of school for the summer. It's hard to believe that the school year is already over.

Wish I got a summer off!

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Dinner With Friends

I never have never liked eating alone. Tuesday night both the kids were gone and I found myself, at the last minute, alone for the night. I made a quick call to some very dear friends. Roy and Dianne are empty nesters now and I know that they tend to eat out a few times a week. Sure enough, Dianne said that they were going out to dinner and said that they would be happy to have me join them. Luckily, I know several couples like this. They seem to be very understanding and happy to have me tag along. While etiquette dictates that I should not invite myself, self preservation trumps etiquette in this case. I don’t like being alone. It gives me too much time to think about my loss and the pain that accompanies it.

While I love Oconee county it is a lonely place for a single. It is a family community. As a result, there are not very many single people close to my age. Additionally, Lisa and I were very happily married and we tended to be friends with other happily married couples. So it stands to reason, most of the folks I know are happily married couples. Sooner or later I am going to have to figure out something else. I can’t continue to invite myself to dinners. Not to mention, Matt will be right behind Abby. He will be going off to college in the blink of an eye. I will be on my own full time at that point. What do I do then?

Why can’t things be simpler????

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

16 Already

We are always busy during the week. I don’t have much time to write and that is probably good in that you would almost certainly get bored with my mundane schedule recaps. This week is going pretty much like it should. To school, to work till the weekend rolls around. Not much on the schedule this week. We do have the annual FFA banquet Thursday night. Matt, William and the rest of the boys are looking forward to that. That’s pretty much it for this week.

Matt has big plans for his birthday party. He is planning on having about six or seven boys over for a spend the night. The plan thus far is to basically camp out in the barn loft. They are going to hook up the X-Box to a projector and project the X-Box games onto a sheet hung from the loft ceiling. Matt has told me that he and William have an idea to build a “super sick” recliner out of hay bales. They have even got plans to haul an ice chest and drinks up into the loft along with plenty of junk food. I got news for him, I’m not serving cake in the loft!!

Anyhow, the week should rock on without incident. Now I just need to figure out what to get this boy for his 16th birthday.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Mothers Day

Mothers day was not too bad. I spent a lot of time with the kids this weekend and I think that helped. Matt seemed to do just fine. We talked a little bit Sunday night and he said that the way he deals with it is to just not think about it. I suppose what he is telling me is that he just wants to move forward and put it out of his mind. Abby too seemed to have a pretty good weekend. I think she has the same methodology as Matt, ignore it and it will soon pass.

Matt had a big school project he needed to work on so church was out for him. Abby and I waffled back and forth on going to church. We both really wanted to attend but we knew it would be all about Mom’s. I told Abby that I would go alone but she insisted on being there for me despite the fact she knew it would be a painful experience for her. When I got up Sunday morning I thought better of it and decided that I was not up for it. Additionally, I did not want Abby to have to endure it just because of me. I just could not get into the right frame of mind. So, I let them both sleep in and I got moving with some small chores that I had been putting off.

As the day moved on I found we were going in different directions. Matt spent the entire day in the study working on his project. Abby, as usual, hit the road to a friend’s house. I decided, after a failed attempt at a mid day nap, I would cut grass. I rode the mower for several hours and then got cleaned up and fixed me an Matt a good supper. After Supper I did what I have been putting off all day. I called both my mother and Lisa’s mother.

While I had sent them both a nice card, I felt it would be nice to still call. It continues to be difficult for me to talk to Lisa’s mom. I could tell she was hurting. I could hear it in her voice. It takes a degree of strength for me to talk to her without becoming upset. Especially when she is down and sounding like grief has took hold to her once again. It is hard enough to carry myself through the conversation without having to carry her also. I just know how much it means to her if I do call. I can tell that it brings her a great deal of comfort. After all, we are eternally linked together with a common loss. How could I ever shun her. We spoke for several minutes and agreed to get together for Matt’s upcoming birthday.

Next was the call to my mom. The conversation with my mother is not much easier as with her I can tell that she is very concerned for me. I can hear in her voice the pain that comes from knowing your child is hurting. Yes I am smart enough to know that even though I am 48 I am still her boy and always will be. I can hear her searching for a sign that I am doing okay and that the pain, at least for today, is not overwhelming. I try to give her reassurance that I am well and try to put her at ease. This too takes a noteworthy amount effort at times. It’s hard to give others comfort in your mental state when you just want to walk out the front door and have a good scream.

Dinner made, kitchen cleaned and phone calls completed. One more painful holiday behind us.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

Early Morning Blues

This is one of those times that I miss her the most. It's early the kids are still sleeping and everything is quiet. You can see the sun starting to come up just above the tree line. This is one of those times I really do miss her the most. We always loved the early morning together and we both have always been early risers. We would sit quietly sipping coffee nothing else just sitting there and leaning or laying against each other sipping quietly. Lisa was not by nature a real morning person. She did not like to talk until she had downed at least a cup of coffee. However, once she got that cup of coffee in her, she would go like the energizer bunny. Yep, I miss those quiet moments with her. Those times when we did not have to say or do anything to express how much we loved each other. This is the time when I feel very much alone and lonely now. Ain't that a kick in the pants? Early morning used to be my favorite time and now it's my toughest time. Learning to go to bed alone has been hard but getting up and being alone on the weekend I think is ever harder.

It's okay, the kids will be up before long and I will have their company.

Friday, May 8, 2009


Today was a good day. Even if I spent the whole day doing one of my least favorite things. I spent the just about the entire day shopping. However, I also got to do one of my favorite things. Spending time with my kids. The day started with breakfast before school with Matt. We decided to try a new spot and were fairly disappointed. There is nothing worse than burnt pancakes for breakfast. It was a pretty quiet breakfast since Matt seemed to be a bit down. I tried to get him talking but quickly realized that I best just sit quietly and just enjoy his company. Once I got Matt to school I came back to the farm to pick up Abby and head off to the mall.

One of the things that I have been putting off has been purchasing new bedding for Matt. He needed it all. New comforter, comforter cover, mattress pad, sheets and pillow cases. Who new a comforter needed a cover? Abby informed me it was actually called a duvet cover. While I'm on the subject, let me say a duvet cover must have been invented by a masochist. Have you ever tried to put a cover on a comforter? It's akin to pushing a chain or trying to put on wet socks. Anyhow, we got to Macy's and I proceeded to educate myself in the art of purchasing bedding. After almost two hours of pestering sales people with questions and going back and forth through the whole department we left with what seemed to me to me a mountain of bedding. After a tasty Philly cheese steak at the food court it was off to follow Abby through the process of her trying on what seemed to be a thousand different pieces of clothing. This kid can shop. The thing that tickles the snot out of me is that she actually wants my input on what is cute and what is not. I suppose it goes back to when I first had to do all the shopping after we lost Lisa. I would take Abby with me and we would actually have fun shopping together. I figure she enjoyed it due to the fact that she new more what we were doing than me and she had the opportunity to school me on something. She would tell me what store to go to and she would show me where in the store everything was. She would make sure that I bought the right brand, the brand momma always bought. I would constantly ask her were did mom buy this or where would mom go for that. I think she got a degree of satisfaction knowing that she was able to make things easier for me. And she did make it a lot more bearable. Ever since, she will jump at the chance to shop with dad.

After we finished hitting just about every store in the mall it was back to the farm. I got home and slapped the new bedding on Matt's bed. Then it was off to get Matt from school and take him to purchase new dress clothes. He has outgrown most of his dress clothes. He needed some new dress shoes, pants and shirts. If you can keep him from wandering off he is pretty easy to shop for and with. He is not hard to please and is pretty straight forward in what he likes and what he does not like. He needs no reassurances on what I think. He either likes something or he doesn't. This took a couple of hours and then we got dinner and took in a movie.

All in all it was a pretty good day. I promised the kids that we would take it easy this weekend and spend some time together. This was a pretty good start to what still might turn out to be an emotional weekend for us all. Mother's day is Sunday...

Thursday, May 7, 2009

If I Could Only Read Their Minds

I think that one of my biggest challenges these days is making sure that the kids are okay. I am not talking about are they being fed or are they getting enough sleep or other physical things like that. What I am, and have been all along, more concerned about is their psychological and emotional well being. Having teens is tough enough with having the hurdle of doing it without mom. As I have said before, I like to talk things through. However, It is hard if not impossible at times to get any teen to open up and talk about life. If they don’t talk to you, how do you know what is going on with them?

With Abby I have found that she is pretty receptive to opening up to me. I have found that she will let me know one way or another when she is not doing well emotionally. This is good for her and me. It gives me a huge amount of comfort just knowing what her state of mind is. Granted, I hate to see her struggle and it upsets me to see her upset, but just knowing how she is doing helps me a lot. It helps me know when to worry and when not to worry about her. It helps me know when I need to focus on her. Thankfully, I see her using other avenues as well. She has a great deal of women in her life that she can talk to on a daily basis. Every day she is at the school where Lisa worked for so many years. There are a number of women there, and throughout the community, that know her and are available for advice and counsel. In addition she has many friends that she can call on for support when good old dad just doesn’t get it.

Matt, on the other hand, is a whole different story. He is not that much of a talker and does not have the daily access to others like Abby does. Typically he seems to be doing well emotionally and psychologically. However, from time to time he appears to have the weight of the world on his shoulders but still I cannot get him to open up. Additionally he tells me that I am a hard person to talk to because I don’t just let him vent. I know what he means. I am the repair man. I feel like I have to jump into action and fix the problem for him or with him. He tells me something and I immediately start talking or critiquing what he has said. I know what I have to do but it is hard for me. I have to start keeping my mouth shut and just try to listen more often. I have to let him know that he can say anything and talk about anything without fearing I am going to jump into action and call in the troops.

It just breaks my heart to see him struggle and gives me a great deal of anxiety not knowing what is going on in that head of his. Lord I wish I could read his mind! We all know that is not going to happen so I have to stick with being a better listener. Maybe, just maybe, if I listen better and stop asking him to open up he will do just that. Additionally, I have to remember that it is about him and not me. I have to stop interrogating him on his emotional state just to make me feel better. That’s easier said than done because I don’t want to go too far to the other side. I don’t want to be oblivious to signs of distress or instability. I don’t want to be asleep at the wheel so to speak.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Understanding Helps

This process that I am working through has been a learn as you go process. There are tons of books out there that claim to be helpful with handling the loss of a loved one. The truth, I have found, is that it is kind of like raising children. Not everything that works for someone else works for you. I have found that grief affects everyone differently and no two situations are the same. Another truth that I have discovered is that grief is like a drug that you can easily become addicted to. It can consume your every waking moment and take control of your life if you let it. Don’t get me wrong, grieving must happen. I have experienced enough grief to last me a lifetime and I know as sure as the sun comes up I am not done. However, understanding this and having the presence of mind to work through it is helpful. You just can’t give into it. You cannot let grief set in and reside in your life full time and permanently. You have to get out of the bed and move forward. Of course, this is easier said than done.

Holidays seem to be the worst. Just when you think you have it beat along comes another holiday to remind you of your loss. It makes you think about your loved one and makes you miss them. Not that you don’t miss them every day but the holidays seem to amplify your thoughts and your loss. Next thing you know, you are upset or anxious without any explainable reason. It’s the grief coming back for a visit. It is usually on me before I realize it. These days I am trying to be more anticipative of it. Now that I understand my process, I think that I can manage it better and tend to overcome it faster. Of course, I might just be fooling myself. Since I have had this epiphany I have not had to contend with a holiday. Mothers day is just around the corner and I will see how it goes.

I know Mothers day is going to be a tough one for the kids. Abby won’t even watch television right now due to all the Mothers day commercials. Matt just tends to change the channel. I don’t blame them either. It is a constant reminder of Mom being gone. However, I know they are strong and they know I am here for them.

The holiday will pass and life will go on.

Sunday, May 3, 2009


What a great weekend little to no anxiety and great weather to work outside. There is something good about working outside all weekend. I am tired but it is a good tired. I have managed to put out a bunch of azaleas and hydrangeas this weekend. In addition I got all the grass cut by 3:00 yesterday so that we could attend a wedding in Pine Mountain last night. Matt and William worked all day getting their garden finished. They got corn, watermelon, squash, cucumbers, tomatoes, carrots and other things planted. I am looking forward to having some home grown tomatoes this year. The stuff I have been getting at the local Publix just taste like cardboard.

I think I will put off anymore planting till this fall. I just hate planting in the summer. I would much rather wait till fall so that I don't have to drag the water hose around the farm every two days. Fall is the time for planting its easier on you and the plants. However, its hard to find anything at the retail stores to put in the ground in the fall. They have it so backwards!

I just saw my first Mother's day commercial on the tv this morning. Don't want to talk about it right now!