About Me

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Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Summer Break

We have our first week of summer break behind us and it was a pretty good week.  I like the fact that I can lean on Matt a little bit.  Since he is just looking for excuses to drive that new red truck, I have no trouble convincing him to run a few errands for me during the week.  He stayed pretty busy all week and I didn’t sit at work worried about keeping him busy or what he might be doing.  It’s hard to believe he has been driving for a solid year now.  Last summer I would hardly let him drive into town on his own.  Now, I am considering allowing him to make the seven-hour drive to my brothers’ place in Jacksonville.  How things change…

Lisa’s mom and dad came over Friday night to take Matt out for a birthday dinner.  It was perfect in that Abby was able to come home for the weekend and also go with us.  I can’t remember the last time all four of us were able to spend some time together.  We had a great time…  The kids were in rare form and we laughed through most of dinner.  I have often sat through meals with my kids and in-laws desperately missing Lisa and wishing she were there with us.  That was not the case Friday night.  Friday night, I was simply living in the moment with four wonderful people that I love and adore.

Matt takes off for a week at FFA camp tomorrow and Abby took off yesterday.  I will be alone for a solid week.  Last summer, I was horrified at being alone for a week.  I would scramble around trying to find someone to eat dinner with just so I would not be forced to spend an evening alone.  That is not the case this year.  I have learned to be more comfortable with being alone and on my own.  I have learned to enjoy the freedom that it brings me.  Heck yeah, I’ll miss the kids but I don’t think that I will struggle with the solitude as I have in the past.

To quote a friend, “Time passing equals time healing”…  How true that continues to be…

Monday, May 24, 2010


Holy cow, that conversation got way too personal way too fast.

It all started with a simple hello...

We took Abby to her new camp assignment Sunday afternoon.  It was the first day for all the camp counselors to come together and all the parents and family were invited to attend the dinner.  These things are always awkward for us since inevitably some goof will ask me which of the other ladies in the room is my wife.

We were trying to mingle and meet some of the folks when Abby introduced Matt and me to one of the ladies that run the camp.  The lady, acknowledge both Matt and me and then dropped the bomb on Abby.  “So is your mother here?” she asked…  Abby was a trouper however and quickly beat me to the draw.  I normally try to be on guard for that sort of thing and field those questions for the kids when I can.  Abby was on her “A” game at the time and beat me to it.  It was a good thing since I was in a witty mood and was about to reply, if she is – we are all in for one hell of a big surprise.  Abby just said “no my momma died three years ago in an accident”.  I could tell by the way she was wringing her hands she was not comfortable.  The woman quickly responded that she had just lost her fiancĂ© a few months ago.

I not sure what prompts people to do that…  Like it’s going to make us feel any better knowing that they have suffered a loss also…?  And Abby lost her MOM not some boyfriend.  It was her mother for Pete-sake not someone she had know a few months or a year.  Her MOM, the woman that gave birth to her and loved her for 17 years.  The most important person in the her world…

She then tried to tell us how sorry she was for our loss.  I tried to graciously tell her that it was fine and we were okay and move the conversation along.  But no… She just continued to babble on about it.  Thankfully, it was just about that time we gave the blessing and got in line for dinner.  The kids and me made a dash for the line.  And heck, nothing says loving like fried chicken, green beans and mashed potatoes.

So the kids filled their plates and I grabbed a glass of tea.  I looked for the open bar but then remembered we were at a 4-H function.  As we sat down to the banquet table I looked up to see this nice lady had decided to join us.  They really should consider an open bar at these functions.  That or I’m going to need to start packing a flask.  I suppose she didn’t think that she had jostled us enough or ruffled our feathers quite enough.  That’s when she took over the conversation and began to tell us her life story.

Married twenty years then divorced… engaged to a wonderful guy who died before he could marry her… ex-husband sold his company to a major corporation for a what sounded like a whole lot of money… no longer needs to work and just travels… two kids 18 and 27… blaa blaa blaa blaa…

The kids and I continued to be cordial and tried to appear interested in her conversation.  It was finally time to leave so Matt and I gave Abby a big hug and wished her luck.  I no sooner heard the door close behind us when Matt grabbed me by the arm, looked me dead in the eye and said… Holy cow, that conversation got way to personal way too fast. 

All I could do was laugh… That boy cracks me up…

Friday, May 21, 2010

New Wheels For Baby Bear

Sometimes I look at others that are on this path.  Others that have suffered great loss and experienced what seems to be equal if not greater pain than myself.  I see them making great strides.  I seem them finding new love and reinventing themselves.  I see them moving forward, growing and overcoming.  Then I look within at myself.

I see how far I have come and how much better I feel.  While I am thankful for all the progress that I have made, I’m not satisfied.  I want more.  I want to get back to that point where I feel like my life is satisfying.  I’m not satisfied with just not feeling miserable.  I’m not satisfied with just getting by.  I want more than that.  

It seems, however, that from time to time I hit a wall and don’t see any progress.  I feel as though I have been at one of those walls for a while now. This is not the first wall that I have run into. I know it will pass.  So, I keep faith and keep breathing.  I keep putting one foot in front of the other and taking one day at a time.  The wall will crumble but I will not. 

Yesterday we picked up Matt’s new wheels.  He’s been driving the “granny car” for the past year.  The gold1998 Toyota Camry that his big sister cut her teeth on was a good starter car.  That old car has been banged around and beat up pretty well.  I promised him a year ago that we would find him something better once he had been driving for a while.  This week we found him a great little pickup truck just in time for his 17th birthday.  He’s thrilled and grateful and when we got it home last night he must have just sat there in it for over an hour.

Tonight he’s hosting his annual birthday bash in the barn.  They are out there right now acting like idiots and playing video games.  They are well supplied with plenty of pizzas, sodas and snack cakes.  I’m just waiting to see who pukes first.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Mothers' Day 2010

Mothers’ day…

It’s just another one of those holidays that reminds us of it all.

I was not sure what we were going to do this weekend.  I think all in all, the kids prefer the, don’t think about it and it will pass soon approach.  I can’t say that I blame them, as it tends to be a pretty safe means of approach.  The holiday had been gnawing at me, however.  There was something inside me telling me that I needed to do better than that.  I always go with my gut when I am in doubt.  So, I came up with a plan.

I decided rather than work like crazy all weekend I would try to hit a balance.  My plan was simple.  On Friday I was going to have breakfast with Matt and then run a few errands with Abby.  Then spend the rest of the day cutting grass and the pastures.  Then on Saturday I was going to spray the pastures for weeds and fertilize.  I figured that would take a good chunk of the day and then I would have an early dinner with the kids.  Then on Sunday we would skip church have a good breakfast and then go out to the botanical gardens for a long hike.  Lisa just loved going for a good hike and we spent many a weekend doing just that.  I figured that Abby and I could spend the rest of the weekend working on her bathroom.  She’s been bugging the tar out of me to tear down the wallpaper and paint.

It didn’t quite work out as I planned.  I was out mowing the pasture when I saw Abby pull up to the house.  What got my attention was the fact that she backed up to the house rather than just pull in as normal.  Then she got out of her truck and started toward me.  I naturally headed her way.  As I got closer I noticed the look on her face.  It was that look that I have gotten familiar with over the last few years.  It was that, if you say the wrong thing I am going to implode look.  So I pulled up and with a big smile said “hey whatcha doing”?  Her eyes got big and tear filled and she simply said, “I just want to come home”.

I immediately knew she had made up her mind and she was coming home this weekend.  We had originally planned to move her home next weekend after we had finished her bathroom. I got her settled down and told her that we could make it happen. So we quickly came up with a new plan.  Friday night she started on her bathroom.  We got up early Saturday and took a trailer and truck full of things to Lisa’s folks for storage in the basement.  We spent the rest of the day and evening finishing up the bathroom.  We spent Sunday moving her to the house and finishing up.

By Sunday night I was toast.  Tired to the bone but happy to have her home.  We were so busy I think all three of us basically forgot that it was Mother’s day.  I did remember it long enough to give my own Mother a call some time that afternoon.

We never did get to go on the hike I planned but we were all together and basically at peace for the day.