About Me

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Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Erroneous Thoughts

What I thought was going to be a somewhat depressing summer is turning into just the opposite.  I must admit that I was not expecting such a positive and uplifting frame of mind as I prepared for my first summer alone.  I thought for sure, with Matt’s departure at the beginning of the summer, I was going to struggle and be alone far more than I would want.  However, I have found that to not be true. 

I am enjoying my alone time but still spending much time with friends.  I am very much enjoying my new freedom and independence.  I find comfort and am very much at peace with my quiet time alone.  Not that there is much of that though.  It seems as though I have filled my schedule with dinners, time for friends and a whole lot of exercise.  Possibly to the point that I almost wish I did have more “down time”.

However, it’s all up to me… If I chose to change it, then I can…  That is, in some way, very encouraging and uplifting for me.  I’m not so sure I know why, but I am sure that I like it.

All that said, there is still much to be missed in lacking companionship. In particular, close and intimate companionship.  Again, though, I have faith and concede that when it’s time that will happen.  God is in control, I have left that up to him…  I will, however, also continue to hope that he acts expeditiously on my behalf!

In the mean time, I will continue to enjoy the new and still being re-defined ME.  Living my Life (not necessarily) Without Lisa but maybe just rising above that…  Because, you see, it IS possible to still miss her beyond belief while still managing to enjoy life and living in a new or different way….

It is my hope that this, in some way, gives others some encouragement and belief that they too can rise above their loss.  Of course, if you’ve been coming here for very long, you know this is not a fast process and that it takes time.  Sometimes, more time than we would like it to…  We must just keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the other.  As we do this, things become clearer (most days) and the water under the bridge seems to flow a bit easier.

I’m off to Camp Rainbow next week so wish me luck!  I am excited about having the chance to participate in this wonderful event.  I just hope that I can keep up with all the other (much younger) staffers and the kids.  Maybe I should start taking some Advil and vitamins now…!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Beach Boys

Dowdy - Ben - Matt
If you read my previous post you may have noted that I joined a gym recently.  And, NO, I didn’t do this to meet women.  I can assure you that wasn’t the reason and in fact stay very much to myself during the process of working out.  Actually, I talk to almost nobody and typically have music blasting away in my ear-buds.  No, the primary reason I did this was to avoid time in an empty house more than anything else.  However, I’ve actually wanted to do something like this for more than ten years.  Unfortunately “life” just seemed to get in the way for one reason or another.  You know how it is, get up go to work, come home and then do it again.  I can tell you this though, this is the best thing that I have done for myself in a long time.  I am deriving so many benefits from this I felt compelled to come here and encourage my family, friends and other readers, to do the same.

There is a large degree of irony in this for me…  You see, when I was in college I was a runner.  I picked up the habit just after I got to school and got to the point where I was running up to eight to ten miles a day.  Once I graduated and got a job I got out of the habit but missed it.  It was about this time I met Lisa and we got married.  Shortly after we got married I tried to convince Lisa to start running with me.  She had no interest and I didn’t want to go without her.  The years started passing and not too long after Abby was born Lisa decided to start running.  By this time I was in no shape to run and felt that I just didn’t have time.  Of course, as many of you know, Lisa continued to run and right up to the end, ran on a daily basis.  Over the years, she continued to encourage me to get more exercise and I continued to avoid it.  She NEVER nagged me about it but I knew deep down in her heart she wished that I would do something.  So, I do find it rather ironic that here I am now almost five years after her departure walking, running, weight lifting and swimming laps.  Naturally, I wish I had done this a long time ago and deeply wish that we could be doing it together…

I have only been doing this for a few weeks and I already feel the positive effects.  I am sleeping a little better, I feel better and better about myself.  Rather than feeling tired I feel more revitalized and energized.  It has helped to reduce my anxiety and I have even dropped a few unwanted and unneeded pounds.  I think the hardest part was just getting started.  Now, I look forward to going to the gym and find myself disappointed when my schedule won’t allow me time for it.

And to think, I was just looking for an escape from an empty house…!

Matt - Myself
On another note, this past weekend was Friends & Family weekend at camp Jekyll.  I had been looking forward to the trip down to see Matt pretty much since he left.  It was great to see him even if he did act like he didn’t have time for me much of the weekend.  In talking with some of my friends with sons of the same age, this seems pretty typical.  They tend not to talk much and pretty well seem to have the attitude that we parents don’t even exist.

Although this was rather frustrating, I tried to be tolerant of this for most of the weekend.  After all, I tend to believe that they don’t even realize they are doing this.  I was just about at my wits end when I was finally able to corner Matt and have him to myself for an hour or so.  Toward the end of this time, Matt’s roommate, Dowdy, came back to the room with a rather perturbed look on his face.  When I asked him what was bothering him he replied that he had just got a chewed out by his parents for not spending enough time with the family for the last day or so.  I must admit, I laughed out loud…

See Oats At Sundown
It was also really great to get back to the beach.  It’s been a couple of years since we hit the coast and, while I do prefer the Gulf to the Atlantic either one can be rather enjoyable.  I didn’t realize just how much I missed the feeling of being on a beach.  There’s just something wonderful about all that sand, sun, surf and fresh ocean air.  While, I did spend a fair amount time by myself I enjoyed it so much I may just have to drive back down there again this coming weekend.  If I do, I may just have to swing by and see Matt so I can ignore him and act like I don’t have a lot of time for him!  …Just for a little while!