Sometimes I feel like a recovering drug addict…
I have written before about how grief is something like an addictive drug. If you allow it, it can consume you and hold you captive. It can take control of your life and spiral you down to unknown depths. It’s quite amazing how controlling it can be of your very existence.
At times, I find myself moving in and out of this addictive state in a seemingly uncontrolled fashion. One day I’m fine and the next day – POW. The addictive influence takes another toehold and wants to take control of me again. That’s how things have been the last week or so. One day I’m fine and the next day I’m not.
It has changed over the years, however. It doesn’t feel the same. It’s more like a dull throb as apposed to a sharp pain. In fact, so dull that I often don’t recognize it as grief anymore. To me it’s more like a recurring withdrawal sickness of some sort. Its strangely familiar but at the same time all new and different. I’m sure if I looked long enough I would find some guy out there that has put a name to all this and made a fortune diagnosing the issue in folks like myself.
I don’t need a fancy diagnosis however. I am familiar enough with the drug to know its power and taste. Call it whatever you wish, put a name to it if you find comfort in that. I prefer to call it ongoing healing. Like a scab that comes off a wound from time to time. Each time the wound is exposed it’s a bit less tender and has healed to a further extent.
There is a saying “time heals all wounds” –I tend to think that it’s what you do with the time that matters. Everyone struggles in life, but it’s not what happens to us that matters most. It’s how we handle what happens to us that matters the most. Do we choose to become addicted to the grief or do we chose to recover and move forward and make the most of our situation and our life?
Tomorrow is Lisa’s birthday and I choose to remember & recover…
Now I just have to put wheels on that!