Tree Time

Thanksgiving was the first holiday that we had to endure after we lost Lisa that September.

I was still in shock and lost.  Grappling with a mountain of anxiety and fear, the last thing I needed was the stress of the holidays.

I decided that we needed to get away.  I may have been running away but it was the only way I could deal with the holiday.  I didn’t want to stay home or go to her folks or my folks place.  I needed somewhere I could hide.  I needed somewhere new with no memories.  My Brother was headed to Savannah to his In-Laws and secured us an invitation to join them.

The drive to Savannah was horrible and I literally almost had a nervous breakdown in the process.  Taking our first family trip to an unfamiliar place on unfamiliar roads was just about enough to push me over the edge.  Just about the time I was about to fall apart we made it.

And that’s kind of how things have gone over the last three years.  Just about time I don’t think I’m going to make it, I do…

I wouldn’t say that the holidays have gotten any better but I will admit that they have gotten a little easier.  I still loath holidays but I do find the fortitude to endure them a bit more. 

That first year we were in Savannah and last year we stayed home but spent the day with some very dear friends.  This year we spent Thanksgiving with my folks in Alabama or as the kids like to call it “opossum hollow”.  While I love my family, these get-togethers still drag me down.  I tend to feel like an oddity and a third wheel when we all get together.

We’re back home today and there’s work to be done.  Matt and I will head out this morning to find a tree.  I think this year I’m going to let Matt run the chain saw.  As for me, I’m going to put a smile on my face and try to hide the fact that I’d rather burn the tree than decorate it… 

No Distractions

Something really nice finally happened this week.

After all the bad news over the last couple of weeks and seeing friends and families struggle through so much, it was nice to just have a little something special happen.

It actually didn’t start off so special considering it all started with me having a meltdown with the kids last night.  I suppose I just got a bit stressed out and finally let a few things fly.  As typical with me, I went a tiny bit too far.  Okay maybe more than just a tiny bit but it’s my blog so I get to choose the adjectives.

Anyhow, what started off in a negative manner wound up with me and the kids having one of those moments that you just want bottle up and save.  After my little explosion we gathered in the living room and I made my apologies.  Then for almost an hour we just sat there talking.  No television, no cell phones or laptops or I-Pods.  It was just the three of us sitting there talking and laughing.

We just sat there talking about everything from the events of the last week to what to do for the holidays.  Of course in typical fashion Matt kept us cracked up most of the time with wise cracks and jokes.

I wish we could do that more often.  We all get so wound up living life and running in different directions it seems like we never take enough time to just be together.

All I know is it struck me how wonderful those few minutes were.  And it just happened…

Yeah, we still miss Mom something awful and always will.  However, we still keep plugging away and its moments like the one we had last night that give me confidence that it’s going to be alright.

Speechless

Writing has been a valued and cathartic exercise for me over the past few years.  Writhing in my journal or here on my blog.  It’s proven to be a dependable exercise that can help me think thing through and get things out so I don’t simply implode under an unseen weight. 

It’s not often that I don’t know what to say when I sit down to write but that’s been the case over the last few days.

You see, a parents worst nightmare came to true this past Friday when they received a call much like the one I received three years ago.  The call was to let them know that their beloved son had been in an accident and not survived.

And here I sit frozen… I know not what to say or do…

I want to reach out to them.  I want to comfort them.  I want to help them in some way but I cant. 

I couldn’t even bring myself to attend the funeral and I feel just horrible.  I suppose for the most part due to the fact that it was held in our church.  In the very sanctuary that we held Lisa’s memorial service.  I suppose I could find many more excuses but when I search my heart the bottom line is I just couldn’t do it.

I feel so very inadequate and struggle with the senseless loss.  All I seem to be able to mutter is why.  Why.  Why.  Why…

Although even as my old wound is opened and pains me I can’t help but think about what this family is dealing with.  I can’t help but think about how much they must be hurting and reeling from this devastating news.  They have such a long and arduous road ahead.

It’s just so sad…