About Me

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Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

In Case You're Wondering

A friend recently asked me a question.  They were wondering if I had maybe in some way elevated Lisa in my mind and maybe consciously or even sub-consciously forgotten bad memories.  The exact question was this…

I have always wanted to ask.  I have never heard a negative comment about Lisa come from your mouth. Is that a conscious decision? I know her goodness was so large.  Even I know that from the little time I knew her personally. Over time did the bad memories get over come by the grief? Every couple has their area of conflict. Just wondering...

My response was…

As for speaking negatively, I didn’t do it when she was alive and I certainly don’t have a reason to do it now.  We both had a rather low opinion of people that would speak ill of their spouse.  Even in jest, we found it to be rather childish and inconsiderate.  She, as far as I know, never spoke ill of me and I basically never spoke ill of her.  In fact, more often than not, we would tend to brag about each other more often then we probably should have.  I would say we tended to build each other up rather than tear each other down.  I was and still am extremely proud of her.  I was proud of her hard work, her unwavering standards, her success, accomplishments and high level of ethics.  I can also tell you I told her that often.  I can also tell you that she told me the same on a regular basis.

Of course we had our disagreements and issues, more than some and not as many as others.  She drove me slap up the wall from time to time.  But I also know, I had the ability to drive her nuts every now and then also.  However, we never aired our grievances in public or with other people.  We worked our problems out with each other.  I suppose we loved each other a whole lot more than we drove each other nuts.

NO the grief has not erased any bad memories.  I don’t think that I really have any “bad memories” of our time together.  We had the occasional argument and I still remember some of them.  However, there was nothing to warrant me calling it a “bad memory”.  Heck, I can remember us, after the fact, having a pretty good laugh about an argument or two from time to time.  We didn’t have any huge issues or secrets.  What your see is pretty much what it was… It was awesome…

I'll tell you a story – When we were moving into the farm house, Lisa was pretty upset about moving.  She was a mess and a bundle of emotions.  She cried more than once about leaving the Mallard house.  Anyhow, on closing/moving day I was pretty much a mess too.  The stress of the house sale/purchase along with my shoulder injury (I was still in an arm sling on moving day) had just about broke me physiologically.  I was just about in tears when Abby found me out in that nasty garage and asked me what was wrong.  I told her I was worried about Mom.  I told her I was worried that Mom was unhappy and all I wanted was for her to be happy.  I told her how much I loved her Mom and that I was just worried about her happiness.  Abby could tell that I was pretty upset.  Later that night, Lisa told me something.  She said that Abby came to her during the day and said “Daddy sure does love you a lot”.  She then told Lisa about how upset I was earlier that day.  She told me she loved me and that everything would work out, just like she did so many times before.

Like I said, what you see is pretty much what it was…

So now you all know my answer to this.  Just in case you too were wondering…


  1. One of the questions asked on a Facebook Group was "have you put your spouse on a pedestal?" I guess some people tend to do that. I always reply that my husband was a bad boy and I totally had to straighten his butt out. In the end, he was my best friend. So, no pedestal for me. I'm glad your relationship with Lisa was also "real."

  2. Pedestal! That’s the word I was searching for when I wrote this. I may have her on a “pedestal” but that’s because I always did… Thanks Bonnie!

  3. Lisa was one very lucky woman to have been loved by such a wonderful man. And before you hit reply.... I know you're going to reply that you are a very lucky man to have been loved by such a wonderful woman!

  4. I've gotten that question before too. It sounds like your marriage was very similar to mine. We also made a pact never to run each other down to friends and co-workers. I think it's easier for people to think you've "put her on a pedastal" than it is to think that people can have a very good marriage, especially if they do not. Thanks for sharing this.

  5. Faced with this same question on a couple of occasions, I have come to the same conclusion that those asking may be seeking this "completeness" in their own relationship. It is comforting to know that there are others out there who have known this Love and who have the capacity to Love all of the "person". The way we share is as we shared.