Time and time again, when I talk to another person who has lost a spouse I find that we have an immediate connection. We understand each other. It’s almost like we are part of some morbid club. As my friend Janine says, we get each other. And, I like communicating with these people because I don’t feel the need to defend myself on some things or for that matter even explain some things. We are kindred spirits and can relate on a different plane than with others.
Mostly, for that reason, I tend to go out of my way to communicate with other Widowers or Widows. The puzzling thing for me is that from the very start of all this, I have found very few Widowers. I’m not just talking about bloggers either. I mean that I don’t even see them in my community. Take our church for example. While we have a number of Widows, I am the only Widower as far as I know. Looking at my community as a whole, I can see even more Widows but still only know of a couple other Widowers. Additionally, most of these Widowers have already remarried.
There are some out there. Some really great guys that are struggling through it all and doing an amazing job. Look here Matt Logelin and look here Socrates Newbold. Like I said amazing…
Anyhow, so what gives…?
I can understand that there are very few men writing about this in a blog. I totally get that. Most men, and I think being one gives me permission to make some assumptions here, tend to not be that open and willing to talk about affairs of this sort. I think most guys are too “manly” to talk about their feelings. Especially in this sort of venue. So sure, I can understand them not being here on the internet spilling their guts. That still doesn’t explain why I don’t see them around me here in my church or community.
My friend Cindy has a theory. She theorizes that we guys are in need and tend to remarry much faster than women do. She thinks that these guys need someone to take care of them. She sees guys get re-married as fast as six months. Cindy thinks that I’m an exception. Why am I and a few others like me the exception? Are we missing some vital “dude” gene that drives these other guys to get remarried so fast.
Maybe Cindy is correct…
Regardless, I do wonder where all the widowers are.
You, my friend, are indeed an exception (and you're also exceptional! :) ).
ReplyDeleteStatistically, widowers do marry much sooner than widows. I think a huge percentage (if not the majority) re-marry within the first year. And I do think it's because men look for different things in a spouse after being widowed. Men seek (probably unconsciously) a helper, a "home maker" (house keeper, schedule-keeper for the kids, cook .... in general a "wife"/help mate. Women (also unconsciously) seek security, companionship, and usually a deep relationship.
Of course this doesn't apply to all widowers, nor to all widows. C has been widowed for 9 years. He poured himself into raising his young daughters and didn't date at all.
You both are exceptions .... and exceptional.
:)