Sometimes I wonder if I just put too much pressure on myself to have everything perfect.
In talking with a friend this weekend I pretty well lost it. Not a major meltdown but I think that I finally got to the point where I just had to let some emotional steam off. My poor friend was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I remember that I was jabbering something about the fact that I am so tired of doing all this by myself. Carrying the burden of two by myself was just taking a toll on me and I was missing Lisa something fierce. My friend made a couple of pretty good points. Will Matt really know or care if the house is properly dusted? Will he care if the rugs have been shook out properly and the floors cleaned properly. No he would not was my answer. So, why is it that did not give me the comfort that I sought? I finally figured it out.
I am way too OCD… I don’t really do it for Matt. Well I do and I don’t… I do all this house work and cleaning and try to keep things like Lisa did because it matters to me. Thing is, why the heck don’t I take the time to get someone to come in and do some of the work for me. It’s not like I can’t afford it. I don’t know why but I don’t.
It’s not just the Mom or Dad work that is so draining. It’s the parenting also… I worry that I am going to screw this up in the 11th hour. I worry that I am going to miss the mark with Matt. Sure he is a great kid but I worry about him constantly. I am constantly second guessing myself on everything from a parenting point. It was so much easier with Lisa. We parented as a team. We would back each other up or redirect each other when one of us was missing the mark or taking the wrong approach. Like they say, two heads are better than one. I suppose learning to parent on my own has been, and continues to be, one of the biggest challenges that I am still learning to come to grips with. If I had to sum it up I would say It’s like learning to parent all over again. It’s like I have gone from graduate level parenting back to parenting 101. Now I just wish I could find the stinking text book for the course.
- Chris Anderson
- Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
- We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.