Thanksgiving

The holidays are always the most difficult days of the year and Thanksgiving is one of the hardest of the holidays for me. Our first Thanksgiving without Lisa was only about two months after the accident and I was a basket case. In thinking about it this morning, I realize how far we have come since that first Thanksgiving. I still desperately miss her and a day doesn't go by that I don't think about her. However, I don't become overwhelmed with sadness when I think about her anymore. When I walk past a picture of her I get a big smile on my face. It feels good to be able to do that. This Thanksgiving feels so much better than that one two years ago.

I even made the decision to stay put this year. We have traveled the last two years mostly because I was running away from the depression of being here without her. I just wanted to stay home this year and get some work done. I don't get a lot of time off so I thought this would be a good chance to get a few things done. I was going to cook the entire dinner myself but caved in at the last minute. I decided we would have our dinner with Roy & Diane. I did, however, cook two blueberry pies and a sweet potato soufflé. Matt had requested both dishes and I did not want him to be disappointed.

While this year is better than the last couple it's still, non the less, strange and unnatural to be without her. There is that huge empty spot in my heart and life. Its hard to explain... I am hoping that one day Thanksgiving will not feel so empty. I know it will never be the same as in the past but I do hope that it wont feel so unfamiliar and hollow.

For now, I just thank God for what I have and try not to dwell on what I don't have.

Cold & Rain

This will be a dull posting to say the least.

It's been one of those days... Rainy and cold, the kind of day that makes me wish that I had just stayed in the bed.  It's hard to get motivated on days like this but I just kind of plowed through it.  Matt and I spent most of the day together starting with church and then dinner out.  A load or two of laundry wound out the afternoon.  I am looking forward to a short work week.  I only have a two day work week and then I am done.  As always, I am looking forward to the time off.

The only plans for the break are to enjoy the kids and spend some time in my little work shop.  Abby has been asking me to make her an adirondack chair for a couple of years now.  I don't know where she will put it as her apartment is already full.  Hopefully I can knock her one out over the break.  Other plans include getting the house decorated for Christmas and putting up the tree.  I have learned to loath putting up the tree.  Lisa always handled the tree trimming.  My job was to simply to put the tree up and get the heck out of the way.  Like I said though, the kids insist on having a tree so I am happy to comply.

Patton & Tora Tora Tora

Lisa was famous for certain sayings.  One of them was “make every day count” and she did.  That dear woman packed more into a day than most pack into a week.  I continue to hear her say “make every day count”.  It is part of what drives me to make progress on the shop, house and farm overall.  It is in part what has helped me stay on track with the kids and not quit parenting and doing.  However, I’m tired.  I am tired of being a single parent.  I am tired of being forced to make all the decisions alone.  I am tired of going to bed alone and waking up alone.  I am tired of having to do it all by myself. 

 

I am on vacation today.  I don’t want to make today count.  I am going on strike for the day.  I am going to take Matt out for breakfast and then I am going to do nothing.  Today, I am going to watch old war movies eat a bunch of junk and lay on my butt.  I am not going to pay any bills, do any yard work or house work.  I am not going to go shopping or do any cooking.  I am not going to do any laundry or make the bed.  I am not even going to work in the shop.

 

Today I goof off.

Toothpaste & Hairspray

Some may find this odd or even callus, however, it’s how I am dealing with things.  I feel that, in order for me to continue to heal and get on with my life, I need to cleans myself of a lot of things.  I am simply talking about material possessions and that’s all.  You see, there are still a couple pockets of Lisa’s things that I have, as of this point, not been strong enough to let go of.  One particular area is her side of the bathroom vanity.  It’s contents include things like her lipstick, hair brush, barrettes and other such items.  I’m sure you get the picture.  The thing is I can smell her every time I open one of those drawers on her side of the vanity.  I smell her perfume, makeup and hair spray and it reminds me of her.  Sometimes this is good but sometimes it is not. 

 

Often it’s the little things that mean the most and hurt the worst.  Take for instance my tooth brush.  I have a little contraption on the bathroom sink that holds my tooth brush.  It took me a long time to get used to seeing just one toothbrush in that little apparatus.  It was, for the longest time,  a constant reminder of my loss and that I was alone.  I have over time gotten used to seeing just one toothbrush on the sink and it doesn’t stir emotions like it used to. 

 

I suppose I worry about going too far with all this cleansing.  After all, it’s not like I want to erase her from memory and pretend she never existed.  However, that’s what I feel like I might be doing if I let all these simple material possessions go away.

 

While I have found a home for most everything else, the perfume, hairspray, makeup and such are still there in the drawer.  I will, at least for now, let them remain there and every now and then open that drawer to fill my nostrils with what I consider to be the most wonderful aroma in the world.

Turkey & Tree

It’s hard to believe that the holidays are just around the corner.

Time seems to be slipping through my fingers these days. The kids will be out for Thanksgiving break in just another week and a half. While I don’t look forward to holidays much these days, I always look forward to having time off to spend with the kids. I know Matt is also looking forward to the break but not necessarily for the same reasons. I think he is just ready for a break from the day to day grind of school and being forced to get out of the bed prior to 11:00 a.m. every day.

I suppose the only problem I have with the time off is forcing myself not to work the entire time. I find that I have to make myself set aside time to relax and just hang out with Matt. It’s easy to say but hard to do when every fiber of me wants to make progress on my “to do” lists. I don’t like down time. I like to be occupied with a project or task. It keeps me from thinking about things that I don’t want to think about. It keeps me from thinking about how much we wish Lisa was still here and how much we miss her. It helps me not to think about the fact that she should be in the house cooking a big Thanksgiving meal and pestering me to get out the Christmas decorations.

Lisa had a specific schedule for the holidays, like everything else. We always put the tree up on Thanksgiving weekend and we always took it down on the New Year’s weekend. The last thing I want to think about right now is any of that. However, I know the kids expect it and look forward to it. So, I will stick to the schedule for them because I love them.

Mending Fences

It has been a tough past week or so but I am fine.

I have been pushing myself pretty hard the last couple of weeks to get things done and just pushed a little too hard.  I have been exhausted this past week but am better now.  It's amazing what a little rest can do for one.

The weather has been so wonderful I have tried to find any excuse I can to be outside.  Yesterday, Matt and I spent most of the day outside.  We got the fence that I destroyed put back together and got the filter in the well house swapped out.  I also managed to get caught up on some house cleaning and we took in a movie last night.

David came by yesterday to show me the plan he came up with on the kitchen remodel.  As much as I wanted to say yes to his plan, so that he could get started, I had to ask him to go back to the drawing board.  I think it is important that we don't get rushed and do it right.  I am hoping that we can get started on it and finish before Christmas but that may be an unrealistic goal.

Today, I am skipping church and for the most part going to take it easy.  Of course, my definition of taking it easy is a bit different from most.  I am just going to knock out a couple of easy tasks and then cook a nice dinner for me and Matt.  Maybe I can talk Abby into joining us too.

Pain

I am so very tired of hurting. I am so very tired of this constant pain that I have no way to suppress or eliminate. The constant throbbing and aching of my heart is old, very old. I just want it to end but it won’t. The torment continues day after day, week after week, year after year. Two years and two months and it is still there. All be it, not as predominant and not as intense but still there.

What will change this, what will end it, what will eliminate it…

I feel the only thing that will change, end or eliminate it is forgetting. That’s not an option though. I can’t just forget her and pretend that she never existed!

So I continue, exhausted, one foot in front of the other, day by day by day…

Meat Loaf & Mashed Potatoes

Another productive weekend, short but productive.  I had to work at my day job Friday so I only had a two day weekend instead of my normal three this week.  I can, however, scratch two items off my long list of things that I need to get done. Unfortunately, I'll need to add one new item.

The weather has been beautiful here the past week or so.  It's been in the  in the mid 70s and sunny.  It's the kind of weather that makes you want be outside working.  Thats a big reason why I worked outside most of the weekend.  I had a friend come over Saturday morning to cut fire wood.  There was one very big oak down near the barn that needed to be cut down.  It was dead for the most part and Todd needed the fire wood.  Well, It would seem that my aim is not what it used to be when it comes to dropping a tree.  I dropped that big oak right on top of my fence.  As you can see I busted up my fence pretty good.  I was not upset, however.  In fact I thought it was pretty funny and got a pretty good laugh out of it.  It wont take too much to fix the fence so it's not that big a deal.  I will just add it to my long list of things that need to be done.

Once I got the tree on the ground for Todd, I got back to pressure washing the house.  It took the rest of the day but I am finished except for the decks and the white picket fence that surounds the patio outside my bedroom.  I will knock them out today after church.  I just want to stop early enough to cook some dinner.  Matt and I have been eating out every night for the last week or so and it's getting pretty old.  For some reason I really want meat loaf with green beans, mashed potatoes and gravy.

Gods Plan vs My Plan

I don’t know what’s gotten into me but I am on a roll.

After my last posting I sat down took a look at what I else I need to be working toward. I realized how much time has been wasted over the last two years. Well, maybe wasted is too strong a word. I suppose I have been bogged down by the whole grief process. Grief is, after all, hard work. It takes a lot out of a person physically and mentally. Anyhow, at this point I do have a number of irons in the fire and hope that I can keep them all hot.

I suppose the new roof and getting the shop near completion has really spurred me on. The place looks so much better with the new roof. No longer do I come home and dread looking up at the rotted gutters and nasty old roof. I am proud of how the house is starting to look and it is way past due.
The other thing that I thought about was that I better be careful not to go too far in the other direction. I need to slow down just a little bit and take stock of what I am doing so as not to make a costly mistake. I don’t want to start ripping down walls and such until I have thought out the long term plan and included everything in that plan that I need to.

The thing is, I have a hard time making plans these days due to the demolition of the plans that me and Lisa had made. I have learned that my plan might not be Gods plan. So, I have tended to shy away from making too much in the way of long term plans. I have to force myself to think in the future now whereas before it came easily. I always knew, or thought that I knew what the future would be for me. Now that I realize that my future plans may not even come close to becoming reality, it really is hard to put the effort into that thought process.

Be that as it may, I don’t want to slow my forward progress too much and certainly don’t want to see it stop. It feels too good seeing the payoff that I get from these things that I am working on.

I Got Lists of Lists

The weekend has come and gone yet again.  This was however a very productive one.  This is the most focused and productive I have been in a while.  I have, believe it or not, finally finished the drywall and electrical in the shop.  I have moved all my machines and tools into the main shop and out of the cramped little single bay on the other side of the wall.  I seemed to get so much done on Friday night I worked out there until almost 10:30 that night.  When I finally stopped I was shocked at the time.  Saturday I continued to get a lot done out there and am basically ready to start on the base cabinets that I want to build for the shop.  Once I get them built I can put most of what else remains in the single bay and can start on finishing it out.  That and some new overhead doors to replace the old dilapidated ones that I currently have and its done.  Easier said than done I am afraid.

Thats okay... All things in due time.

Sunday was just as productive.  After church, I got the pressure washer out and started cleaning the house.  I was amazed at house dirty it was.  It looks like I put a fresh coat of paint on it.  As soon as I can get the rest of the house and decks washed I can  cut loose a painter to take care of that new facia that the roofers installed.  Additional, David Lainey stopped in with his wife this afternoon and he has some very good ideas on what to do with the undersized and overused kitchen.  David and Lane are going to put together some drawings for me and see what we can do.  Yeah after two years I am overcompensating in the get things done category.

Roof & Facia, Paint, Landscape and Hardscape, Shop, Kitchen yeah I suppose I have a few irons in the fire.  My list has grown very long over the last two years so I have some catching up to do.  No Im not trying to do it all at one time but like I said, I have some catching up to do.  That reminds me, I need to get the house insulation upgraded!  Better add that one to my ever growing list.