Matt has been on spring break all this week so I scheduled my vacation to be off at the same time. It has been nice sleep in a little. Man, I did not realize how tired I was.
It has been a hard week. My anxiety has been at an all time high several times this week. I don't know why this week has been so bad but I feel like I have been on a hair trigger most of the week. It all culminated in a meltdown Friday night. Both the kids were gone and I was in the shop working alone. Lisa's mom called and shortly after spoke to her on the phone I was crying my eyes out and pounding my fist on the work bench.
It is inevitable that during a melt down such as this, I speak out loud to God and even yell in anger. I tell him how horribly bad I miss her and how painful it is to have to be without her. I ask him to come and take me now. I ask him why. I ask him why not me instead. As the tirade continues I ask him to give me the strength to carry on and to show me how he would have me move forward. Then I thank him. I thank him for the children. I thank him for my family and friends. I thank him for providing for us in all the ways that he does. So goes the cycle... I have been through it so many times I know it by heart. Thankfully my tirades usually happen at home. I can only remember it happening once in public. I was sitting at a read light on my way to Sam's Club. It hit me like a ton of bricks right there at the red light on the Atlanta Highway.
As is usual, I almost immediately started felling better. I don't know what it is about a release like this but it does so much good. Because it does me so much good I dont fight it any more. However, this has not happened in quite a while. As time goes by I find that these meltdowns come less and less often. I can remember during the first weeks it was almost a daily occurrence. Most often in the morning while taking a shower. I suppose the infrequency indicates the healing process is moving forward.
I am looking forward to attending church this morning. It too will help me. However, I am not looking forward to going to the Smith's for lunch afterward. In fact I don't want to see them and am going purely out of obligation. It is just too much of a strain for me to be around them these days. Hopefully we can skip out pretty soon after we eat and get home since tomorrow we go back to school and work.
- Chris Anderson
- Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
- We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.