The kids took off for a movie tonight and I stayed here at the hotel.
It is still odd for me to see them go off without me or their mom. We used to never let them out of our sight. I always had a fear of letting them out of my sight and here I am now and it’s nothing for them to take off without me. How things have changed in such a short time.
I walked down to the beach a short while ago. I could not stay for very long as I was overwhelmed with thoughts of missing Lisa. We used to walk this beach together every evening with the kids out in front of us just at the edge of the surf searching for shells or sharks teeth. We would walk hand in hand and at times arms wrapped tightly around each other letting the constant ocean breeze pour across our faces. We would walk every night just before sundown. It was our favorite time since it was cool enough for me and not to cool for Lisa. Not to mention that it was a perfect time to snap pictures of the family. I did walk the beach this morning but it was not like tonight. Maybe it was all the other couples that I saw this evening. I saw so many couples holding hands and walking together through the hotel an on the beach. I am envious and jealous of them. I feel like such an oddity among all of them. I feel so awkward and out of place.
I hurt right now and there is nobody to tell, nobody to make it better and nobody to go through it with me. I find myself quickly vacillating between being in pain and hurting to being mad. Mad at her, mad at God. Mad at God for making me stay behind. Mad at God for taking her from me. Mad at her for leaving me. Mad at her for not taking me with her.
I know the kids love it here but I just don’t think I can do this again. I don’t know that I can ever do another family vacation. We are not a family anymore. We are a shell of what used to be a family. I am tired of trying to make it a whole when I know full well that it’s just a broken portion. It’s not the same anymore and it’s never going to be the same again. We have to make new, do different and go elsewhere. I just don’t think that I can come here anymore. I want to remember what it used to be not what it is now.
Maybe it was a mistake coming back to this place.
Well, the kids will be back soon so I need to get my head screwed back on straight and put on a happy face. I better go down to the lobby lounge and see if I can scramble up an espresso or something to help perk my spirits up.
I will post some vacation pictures when I get home
- Chris Anderson
- Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
- We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.