Okay, you may want to strap in as this might just get pretty deep.
I was corresponding with a new friend this weekend and suggested that she listen to a song that I discovered this past December. In suggesting this song to my friend Something dawned on me. The song is entitled “I’m Scared”by Duffy. Well, in listening to the song I realized that I have been scared for a long time now and I am sick of it. Lisa told me many times during our years together that she wished she were more like me. She said that I was not scared of anything and that she wished she could have that feeling. True, I have never been scared of anything. Not truly scared. Sure I worried about things that most other folks worry about. Money, job, kids, and such are normal concerns and cares. However, being scared is a whole differ ball of sticky goo.
I am scared… truly deeply scared… I have been scared ever since I lost Lisa. I guess I did not realize just how scared I am. I am scared that I will get another phone call. I am scared that I will lose another loved one. I am scared that something will happen to me and the kids will be without either parent. I am scared I might lose my job and not be able to provide for my kids. I am scared that I am not doing everything right for the kids. I am scared that I will wind up being alone when the kids are gone. I am scared that I might meet someone new and forget. Now there’s a thought for you… I am scared I will wind up alone while being scared that I won’t be. Told you this might get a bit deep. I am scared of so many things, too many things!
Lisa was right, I have never been scared of anything. Maybe not so much unafraid but more non worried would be a better way to state it. I never worried about things. I have lived my life with the belief that everything will always work out, and it typically has. Things always have had a way of working out! This mess, it seems, has no way to “work out”. As Lisa was fond of saying, it is what it is... How on earth does something like this “work out”?
I don’t wish to live my life like this. I don’t like being scared and I am going to make a concerted effort to not be scared. I think the best way to do this is to live life a bit more. I need to get back to the state of mind that everything, or at least most everything, will work out. Easier said than done, however, since this would required me, in my opinion, to put my grief away and to try and move on one might say. To me and this is just me, it would require me to at least in some degree or way, forget what has happened or forgive my loss. I don’t know if this is making any sense… I think that I say all this because I worry that I am too wrapped up in my loss. I don’t want my loss to define who I am… I don’t want it to be who I am… I have too much more to offer than that. Granted it is a part of me and will be for the rest of my life but right now it seems to be defining me too much. It seems to be controlling me far too much. I want to be in control at least as much in control as I can be.
Yes I know who is really in control. While we have lived our lives thinking we are in control we are really not. My friend Janine, pointed this out for me recently. Janine is a widow and has also learned how not in control we are. While yes God is actually in control we do still have free will. We have the free will that God gave us to use to control our lives from day to day. Sure he controls our destiny and has a plan for us but he still likes us to keep the wheels between the lines day in and day out. So yes, I want to be in control as much as I can. Now I just need to figure out how to do that and do it without being so dang scared of so dang much.
Sometimes I think I just over-think things way too much…
- Chris Anderson
- Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
- We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.