About Me

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Watkinsville, Georgia, United States
We lost my beautiful wife of 20 years on 9/12/07. Lisa was my world she was my everything and now she is gone. We are learning to live without Lisa now. I say we because I am not alone. My children are stuck in this mess with me. These are my notes, my vent, my way of letting you all know that we are doing well (some days). This is for myself, my friends and my family that want to know how we are doing and what we are up to. Along the way I hope this might also help someone else who has been dealt a similar hand.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Thinking Out Loud

Something that I have been thinking a lot about here of late is happiness. I came across this picture of Lisa and I recently and it reminded me of how happy we were. No, it’s not the most flattering picture of either of us but it says a lot to me. It reminded me of how happy we were together and reminded me of how much I miss that shear happiness. Lisa was a happy person and found joy in so many simple things. Her happiness was contagious at times. She loved to laugh and smile. I loved to make her laugh and smile. Shoot, just seeing her laugh and smile made me laugh and smile.

Sure we had our days… I know there were days that I made her just want to scream and pull her hair out. There were also days that she made me want to put my head in that big vise I have attached to my workbench. However, overall, day in and day out, we were pretty dang happy. Not just content but happy.

I miss being happy… Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I am un-happy. Sure we are doing alright but who the heck just wants to be okay. I want more than okay… I want to be happy again and I don’t know how to get there from here. I don’t even know if I CAN get there from here.

I suppose I should just try to find the happiness that life, in and of itself, brings to me but sometimes I have trouble seeing the forest for all the trees in the way. I guess what I am saying is that maybe I need to get back to being thankful for what I have and finding happiness in that. Easier said than done when I know what would make me happy but cannot have it or attain it. I know that, at least in this life, I cannot have her back. So if that’s the one thing that would make me happy and I cannot have it, how can I then be happy again. I have two choices… Find something else that would make me happy again or never be that happy again. Is it that simple or do I have another choice? Maybe that’s not the only thing that would make me that happy again. I find that hard to believe…

Have I lost you? Have I confused you? Well, welcome to the club!

Life without Lisa is and is not a lot of things. It is not filled with that sheer happiness.

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