I have morphed a great deal over the last two years and four months. I have grown, developed and changed permanently. I like to think, mostly for the better. I have gone from being a broken wreck of a grieving man to a functioning organized single parent. I am and never will be the same person that I was prior to September 12, 2007. However, I’m okay with that and don’t mind who I am now. I see things much more clearly now. I find pleasure and joy in small things that I may have taken for granted in a time past. It’s almost like I have new eyes that are showing me the world in a totally different way now and I like what I see.
I like to think that I have presented a good example for my kids. I like to believe that I have shown them that no matter what happens we will survive and continue to live life. I like to think that one day they will look back and wonder how I pulled it off. I hope that it gives them strength and lets them know that nothing is impossible. I want them to look back and remember how very much I loved their mother and them. I want them to believe in themselves and draw courage and support from what we have been through. I want them to look back and see that while it has been rough and impacted us each in our own way, we made it.
I was brought to tears today for the first time in a long while. Shortly after I returned to work from my leave of absence when Lisa died, I lost every single e-mail that I had ever sent her. I was trying to archive them and just hit the wrong button and lost them all. There were thousands of them from over the years and I accidentally deleted them . I was devistated to say the least. Today one of our IT people at corporate (Jennifer) explained to me that they had not been deleted and that she had found them in an old archive folder on a server at the corporate office. She showed me how to get to them and I was shocked. There they were. Literally thousands of conversations between me and Lisa dating back for years. Many of them containing messages from her letting me know how much she loved me. As I read them, the tears just spontaneously started to the point that I could no longer read them. I decided to leave them there for now and maybe come back to them from time to time. Jennifer promised me that they would be safe there and that she would make sure that nothing happened to them. I just hate that Jennifer wound up crying also!
I will no doubt go back to them from time to time…I might even share some of them with you all one day.